


You want a job?

by Angithia



Category: Metallica
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Comfort Sex, Cuddling & Snuggling, Em is a mama hen, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Gen, Jason and Em have the hots for each other, Jason is such a sweet guy, Just get a room already, Lars is a gremlin, Men Crying, Mentions of death/coping with grief, Metallica References, Mouthy Em, Musicians, Oral Sex, Past Rape/Non-con, Prank Wars, Sexual Tension, Shameless Smut, Shy Jason, Slow Burn, Terrible wordplay and possible Dad-jokes, Touring, Vaginal Sex, Where's the bass from Justice?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:29:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 44,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25512112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angithia/pseuds/Angithia
Summary: 1986 was a hard year for Metallica. They lost a borther in September, and were still trying to accept the Cliff-shaped hole in their lives while the quest for finding a new bassist asap continued.Jason Newsted, formerly of Flotsam & Jetsam knew that joining the biggest monster of a metal band was going to be though, but he was not prepared for things to be so fucked up. Luckily, there is at least one person in the crew who happen to like him. Her name is Emilia Campbell, she lives at the MetalliMansion with Kirk, James and Lars and she also happens to be his bass roadie.The two never could have guessed that the tragic accident which almost ended Metallica would eventually change their lives for the better.
Relationships: Jason Newsted/Original Female Character
Comments: 18
Kudos: 19





	1. Who wants to be a bass player?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> I have a bit of a crush on Jason so I decided there isn't nearly enough fics out there with him in the spotlight.  
> The story is completely mine, but I do decided to include some thoughts and facts from interviews and books on the band. I will also include some links to certain pics to help you with the visuals, or just to share my idea with you. The main characters are Jason and my OC, Emilia Campbell. Of course there will be mentions and bits and pieces with the other band members as well as other musicians.
> 
> English is not my native language, so I'm sure there will be a few grammar mistakes and funny words (apologies for that, but know that I'm trying!). This is also my first attempt writing something like this in English (just FYI, not trying to make excuses).
> 
> Sooo, just lean back and relax, I hope it's not too bad!!

  1. 10\. 28.



\- C’mon Em, you gotta get goin’…. no time to sulk in the bathroom and be miserable. Again.

I kept telling that to myself but I was still not moving from my little, stuffed batrhoom. I was still leaning against the sink and just staring blanky in the mirror. It’d been almost a month since the accident but I couldn’t stop thinking about it, I just… I didn’t feel like going anywhere. Not even if this was the second day of auditions and I was supposed to be the first one on site. Insead I just stood here, lurching a bit forward, postponing the moment I inevitably had to leave the apartment and meet people. My focus was coming back slowly, and I took a look at myself in the sharp, yellow light of the bathroom light: the dark circles under my eyes were larger than the fucking rings of Saturn, which only made me look even paler than I was. The dark brown, wavy mess what used to be my long, soft mane was definitely not helping matters but at least I tied it back in a loose braid, hanging like a dead weight on my shoulder, right down to my navel. The worst were my eyes, dark brown and sitting like two little dots of ink righ up on the throne of said dark circles. Brown eyes ought to be warm, but mine looked totally dead, like the fake eyes of a teddy bear or something. Just lifeless, and still a bit red from last night’s crying. The only thing which actually looked normal was my nose ring on the left side, though its happy glimmer did nothing to brighten up my face, or my mood for that matter. I felt empty, and it was showing.

At least I know no one’s gonna look any better – I thought to myself as I sighed one last time, pulled the little cord flicking off the light and turned to face the day. It was 7:43, so I really had to go if I wanted to be ready when James and the rest of the guys got to the place where we rehearsed. Or they rehearsed anyway, I was just there to help out with the equipment and for moral support.

I quickly gulped down the remaining coffee I had in my mug and checked myself in the kitchen window: black jeans, black undershirt and my favourite black, low-neck shirt with too long sleeves I alwas had to roll up, but I still loved how soft the thing was. I chuckled bitterly as I realized I was not only dressed for the occasion but for my mood too as I quickly put on my boots – black, who would have guessed, right? – and fished out the keys of my battered, second-hand Pymouth Champ from the bowl on my cabinet. Passing through the living room I gently pulled the cover up on Lars’s shoulder - he passed out on he couch last night. The others were nowhere to be seen, I was not even sure they came home yesterday but they fuckin’ better turn up on time.

I grabbed my leather jacket and my bag from the back of the front door as I quickly stepped out and pulled it closed behind me.

\- Okay, let’s get this over with…[1]

***

After a bare 45 minutes spent in my personal hell called rush hour traffic in San Francisco, I finally parked in front of the place Metallica chose to store their stuff at. It was nothing special really, just an ordinary, bit run-down warehouse we used as our headquarters. The area seemed to be deserted as I got out of my shitty car – it started only on the 4th try – but after crossing the lot, I was surprised to see a guy sitting on the pavement next to the huge metal door.

\- Hey, you here for the audition? – I asked paying little attention as I was looking for the right key on my chain, balancing the huge bag on my thigh, trying not to fall over standing on one foot.

\- Yeah… - came the reply, a bit shy but clear as the guy looked up, poking his head out behind the guitar case he’d been holding. Man, I couldn’t even tell if he was looking at me from under that huge, curly mess of hair he had.

\- Gotcha! – I announced triumphantly, holding the key between my fingers as I moved to open the door. Despite the looks of the door – and the whole fuckin’ block by the way - the key turned easily and I could already smell the familiar scent of dust, stale beer and sweat as I stepped in.

\- You wanna come in? – I asked over my shoulder and I could hear the kid shuffling behind my back. California weather in October is not too cold, but I was still enjoying not being out there as the confined but warm air greeted me.

\- Yeah, thanks - he said as I moved over to let him in.

\- You can put your stuff down there, the band should be here soon – I pointed to an area further inside as I lead the way up to a corridor packed with cases and other shit we used on tour.

Curly just nodded as he followed me up the corridor until the little hall I pointed at earlier. He carefully put down his guitar next to the wall, looked around a bit and decided to sit on one of the cases we store stage lights in.

I could see him from the corner of my eye taking careful glimpses here and there – or I think that’s what he did under that chestnut mop of his - as he was trying to get the feel of the place, obviously excited, maybe nervous but trying not to show it. I smirked a bit as I continued making coffee for the crew. He must be freaking out.

It took about 15 mins for the coffe machine to produce that black, bitter fuel keeping us alive these days which was enough time for me to check the amps in the room we cleared for the auditions at the other end of the corridor. I sighed as I noticed the abandoned beer cans around the floor and made an effort to deposit them to (or at least around) the trash bag lying sadly in the corner. After that I somehow ended up standing in front of the bass amp. I checked the cords, the knobs, turned it on and off to make sure it works. I smiled sadly as I ran my fingers over a deep scratch near to the top corner. I once wanted to hit Cliff with a screwdriver for some stupid shit he said but despite his height, he ducked quickly enough to avoid it an I ended up hitting the amp instead. My smile crumbled as I remembered how he laughed at me after... I drew in a sharp breath as I felt tears bubble up and quickly turned around. I just missed him so fucking much… we only knew each other for about 3 years but I spent more than a year of that time being his bass tech. We were close in a certain way. We travelled together, worked together, sometimes we jammed together and had a great time while doing all that. He was always so chill, like he had no worries at all in life, just lived it to the fullest every day, making the music he loved.

The raw, gurgling noise of the coffee maker reminded me that I had no time to dwell in my own grief so I quickly wiped down the few tears which escaped from my eyes and quickly returned to the kitchenette. Curly was still sitting on the lighting case where I left him, the only difference was that he lost the leather jacket he was wearing and seemed like he had trouble keeping himself up straight.

I took pity on him and poured out an extra cup of coffee next to mine, then I took both and approached him slowly.

\- You look like you could use a cup – I said with only a bit of trembling in my woice as I extended one hand towards him.

\- Oh God, you have no idea… I got up at 2:20 to get here on time – he said and I noted this was the first full sentence I'd heard from him. He took the coffee carefully and flashed me a quick smile before taking a first sip. He hummed contently as he continued and I took a quiet minute to look at him properly. He was sitting now, but he didn’t seem to be too much taller than me. His shoulders were narrower than James’ and he had a pretty narrow hip for a guy but he didn’t seem fragile, just skinny and a bit boyish. Actually he looked like he just passed his teenage years but he must have been older to audition. His curly hair looked even more chestnut up close and he had very thin lips. I couldn’t see his eyes properly but I thought they were blue.[2] His voice was pleasant but sounded a bit childish, he choked up a bit like he was really nervous. We continued to drink our coffee silently for a few minutes.

\- Where are you from? – I asked, just to keep up my end of small talk.

\- Phoenix, AZ – came the swift reply.

\- Ahh, the home of the giant cactuses and Alice Cooper – I remarked sarcastically and the guy had a hard time keeping the coffe out of his sinuses as he snorted.

I gave him a tiny smile as his eyes, glimmering with laughter found mine. They were indeed blue, but not the icy-cold blue like James’. They were a deeper ocean-blue, but still warm. Maybe they seemed warmer because of the dozens of freakin’ dimples on his face as he smiled at me.

Speaking of the devil, the moment our eyes meet, the metal door slammed open as the band barged in.

\- Princess?! – came the familiar bellow of James, already a few beers in – maybe still in from last night? - based on the slight sur.

\- Comin’! – I shouted back, rolling my eyes slightly. Drunk James was never a good sign, and he’d spent more time being drunk than not in these past few weeks. I tossed back the last bit of my coffe and shot an apologetic look towards Curly.

\- Well, good luck – I added as I moved towards the men blocking the corridor completely. Curly just nodded silently and watched me as I disappeared under a classic bear-hug.

\- James, I’m happy to see you too, man, but you’re crushing me! – I whined as he continued to push down all his weight on me, obviously not caring about it.

He gave me one last rib-crushing hug before letting me breathe freely again and followed the smell of fresh coffee. The other Metallicans greeted me the same way, but fortunately they didn’t damage me any more with their embrace. Kirk did linger in my arms a few moments longer than the others – being the softie he is, he must had the most terrible survivor's guilt there was to have so I let him, running my hand on his back in a soothing circle. The night of the accident, the guys drew cards to decide who gets the best bunk on the bus and Cliff picked Kirk’s bunk. Then he fell through the window next to the bunk and was crushed to death when the bus slid down the road. It could have been Kirk, it could not have been Kirk but we will never know and it was just eating him from the inside.

The rest of the crew greeted me with a more ordinary kiss on the peck while asking how I was. I ensured everybody that yes, I was going to be fine, no I couldn’t sleep either and yes, I will be here for the whole day.

\- One of the guys is already here – I added to Bobby, our tour manager as he passed me. I watched him shaking hands with Curly and leading him into one of the offices.

I pulled the shirt back to my shoulder as I got back to the kitchen area and helped the boys get ready for the day. They all looked terrible, and it didn’t help that the first thing they did was popping open some beers. I mean I got it, I too had a bottle (now half a bottle) of whisky sitting on my bedside table to drown my sorrows in, but at least I cried. They just drank like there was no tomorrow. Like they didn’t allow themselves to slowly accept reality. To grieve properly. They just pushed it all down into a far corner of their minds and paddled through whatever was needed of them. Like these auditions, they did it because we needed a new bassist but they were all so out of it I didn’t know if they could even decide on a guy. They didn’t seem to pay any attention on who was playing with them, they just played their parts like they were completely on autopilot. Like if they stopped for a second the world would catch up with them and the walls they so carefully built to keep it all out would come crashing down, burying them under. They needed to keep things rolling to have something else to focus on right now.

I made all of them drink at least one cup of fresh coffee before I let them go into the rehearsal room and helped plug everythig in. They started warming up with Creeping Death and I shook my head hearing how hollow James sounded.

Today was gonna be a loooong day…


	2. Decisions, decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it's only a short chapted but I didn't want to add it to the previous one. Maybe I'll merge them later, not sure yet.
> 
> Fact: Les Claypool really auditioned and he really joked around with the idea of jamming on Isely Brothers. He and Kirk Hammett attended the same high school.

Same day, early evening

\- So, how did it go? Who will be called back for second round? – I asked casually as I was trying not to bump into the pickup truck in front of us. Did I mention I hate heavy traffic? I had to help out the crew who decided to use the mandatory off-time from touring to take a thorough inventory which took up most of my day, but I tried checking in on the auditions as much as I could.

\- Dunno… there were two or three guys who passed the bar I think – James said slowly. He’d been drinking through the day and even with the resistance he’d built up during the last few years, it was impressive he could still talk in full sentences.

\- Hey, and what about Les? – Kirk piped in from the backseat. He had to sit back with Lars, otherwise there was no way we could all fit in my tiny car.

\- Pfff… can you imagine him playing „some Isley Brothers tunes” with us? – James asked as he turned back to face Kirk, eyebrows diappearing under his unkempt locks of dirty-blonde hair.

\- Okay, okay he is a bit… eccentric. But he plays really good! – came the too-quick response from the back.

\- Buddy, I’m sorry I know he’s your pal but it ain’t gonna happen – James made a dismissive gesture with his can-free hand. Kirk didn’t reply but I could see him sulking from the rearview mirror. Lars just kept quiet as if he was not interested at all but I could practically hear the wheels turning in his head, trying to figure out who to call back and in what order.

\- That curly-haired guy ways pretty good though… and he knows most of the songs already – he finally said carefully.[1]

The others nodded in unison as we continued our slow, but steady ride home. Guy must be pretty good if he made them all agree on something – I thought as I smirked at James.

After getting home, everyone disappeared into their own room. We used to share at least the evening meals with each other before the accident, it was practically our little ritual to sit around the battered kitchen table, with the mismatched chairs rescued from garage sales and dumpsters and have dinner together. I would do most of the cooking but I didn’t mind at all. The boys would share some crazy stories from the early tours I was not a part of, and we would spend the night getting high on beer and each other’s company. Sometimes on weed, too.

Right now I was the only one at the table with a half-eaten piece of a sandwich, just staring blankly into the dim hallway when James staggered out of his room in nothing but his underwear and a tank top. He passed me slowly and made a beeline for the fridge, probably to grab another beer.

\- Heyyy Princesss – he tried to say as his pupils finally focused on me and made a clumsy attempt to stroke my hair.

\- Hey Jamie – I smiled softly as I grabbed his hand to help him regain his balance. He was the only one I allowed to call me that. He made up the nickname when we were just a bunch of kids growing up in he same neighborhood. The boys of our gang would dress up as knights or cowboys and rescue the girls. I always imagined myself as a princess and the nickname just stuck with me I guess.

He smiled back at me but I could see his eyes were glossy as he made his way back to his room to get even more drunk. I did not like it. Not at all. He was a complete wreck and I suddenly felt the urge to do something about it. He did save my life once, so the least I could do is to help him through losing a brother.

\- Hey, honey – I started as I caught up with him about halfway – I think you had enough beers for today, don’t you? – he looked at me with a puzzled expression as I took the bottle from him.

\- Let’s get you to bed instead, you must be real tired after playing all day – I looked at him suggessively as I started leading him towards his room by his hand.

\- Yeah… I could use a nap… - he agreed and I let out the breath I’d been holding. You could never really tell if drunk-James is going to do what you want him to do or just snap at you and do whatever he wants to. Luckily, one of my unhuman abilities was to make James do what he would not want to do.

\- Come on, pajama time – as we reached his room I gently sat him down on the dishevelled bed and waited until he laid comfortably on his back before kissing his cheek.

\- Good night, Jamie – I said as he tucked himself in and turned on his side.

\- G’night, Princess… – his eyes were already closed as he muttered, squeezing my hand a bit before letting it go. He was fast asleep as soon as he finished the sentence and I took a moment standing at the door to watch him sleep. He hadn’t slept much in these past few weeks so he obviously needed the rest. He seeemed so lost, like he’d lost a part of himself with Cliff. He probably did – they were very close, had more or less the same interests so I think the blow of losing Cliff hit James the hardest.

I closed the door carefully and moved throug the hall. I could hear a faint whimper coming from Kirk’s room and my heart sank a bit. I always tried to look out for all of them, be there when they needed a shoulder to cry on or just someone to keep them company – I’d been doing this ever since we all moved in together, I was practically like a mother hen with 4 beer-drinking, scateboarding thrasher chicks.

I almost fell over the phone cord disappearing in Lars’s room. I could hear him speaking with someone about a second auditon – so they decided who to take for round 2. I wondered briefly if Curly gets called back before I went back to my room for another sleepless night of tossing and turning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] Jason's auditions (also probably the loudest bass you'll ever hear listening to Metallica):  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izKrUP-u5eI


	3. Newkid on the block

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our lovebirds finally get to know each other!

1 week later

\- Oh shit, shit, shit… - I cursed as I curbed into a free spot a few houses down from home – the MetalliMansion as we called it - already a good hour late. Now that we finally had a new bassist, the guys wanted to have a big get-together to introduce him to the crew and have a good excuse to get considerably drunk without questions. So here I was, just freshly arrived from the workshop where we tried fixing one of the guitar amps with John, James’s guitar tech.

The gathering was already at full speed based on the number of parking cars and the heavy metal blasting from the house. I quickly took my bag and helped John open the jammed door on his side before entering the house and trying to quickly sneak into my room to change my soiled clothes.

The music was even more deafening inside, and the place was packed with people. I managed to get to my room unnoticed and change into a baggy, home-improved Venom shirt with a pair of shredded jeans. I took a quick look into my mirror to check how much my black eyeliner had smeared but then I decided to fuck it and emerged to the crowd. We are all family here, they’d seen me in worse conditions than with a smeared fuckin’ liner.

I greeted a few people as I walked around, looking for any of my flatmates. As the crowd moved I could spot Kirk with a bunch of other guys, guitar in hand, talking excitedly about something. I made my way to them and hugged him from behind.

\- Em, you’re finally here! – he shrieked as he turned around and tried to hug me back without crushing the instrument.

\- Check this out, Jeff here has the sickest riffs – he continued as he passed the guitar to the guy on his left – Jeff – who started shredding at an impressing speed. I could barey make out the sound of the small practice amp above Blitzkrieg but the guy was obviously good if he impressed Kirk.

\- Cool – I nodded approvingly as someone put a bottle of Smirnoff in my hand – Kirk, where’s the others?

\- Oh, they are here somewere – he looked around briefly before getting the guitar back to his lap - Lars was in the kitchen last time I checked, and James was showing the new guy around - he waved vaguely with his pick.

I quicky squeezed his shoulder and continued to look for James, until I finally heard his bark from somewhere near. I found him with Lars snickering near the couch.

\- There you are! I’ve been looking for you – I greeted him with a punch to his arm and moved to quickly hug him and Lars.

\- Princess, it is so kind of you to finally grace us with your presence – he said in a mocking voice as he took the bottle from me and took a huge swig.

-I am a generous princess… - I opened my arms in a royal motion - And besides, like I have a choice… you’re trashing my living room, dickhead – I grabbed the bottle and took an equally long swig, keeping my eyes on James the whole time.

\- Challenge accepted – he anounced as he snatched it from me and started chugging the vodka down. I made an offended gasp as I tried to get it back from him but he was so much taller than me I decided to step on the armrest of the couch to reach his upheld hand. We soon ended up in a lightweigh wrestling match with me on his back, grabbing his shoulder with one hand and trying to get my bottle back with the other. James just laughed as he kept holding the bottle away from me until he got tired of carrying me around. He put the Smirnoff down and grabbed me with both hands, tugging me off from his back.

\- Where’s the new guy? – I asked as he put me down on my feet. He smirked as he pointed to the corner of the room where I could indeed see our new bassist, with his eyes glued on us. He quicky averted his eyes when he noticed us staring and dropped his head.

***

\- Good luck you had indeed – I greeted the newest addition to our band of misfits, after taking the vodka from James unnoticed.

\- Yeah, you could say that… but I think the fact I already knew the whole setlist helped a lot, too – he smiled with a crooked grin, looking me up and down.

\- Crafty – I commented as I took the mouth of the bottle again, feeling the alcohol finally kicking in – Bet you played non-stop before you flew out for the second gig.

\- Yep, pretty much. Not too much sleep during the last 1,5 weeks… I only stopped when my fingers started to hurt too much – he said, stroking his fingertips together absentmindendly, looking down again. My previous guess was right, he was a bit taller than me but still below James in height.

\- I heard your other shit with Flotsam, it's totally rad. Did you really write the whole album alone? – I asked as I offered the Smirnoff to him.

\- Not alone; we did it together with Michael Gilbert, the guitarist but yes, most of it came from me – he corrected me and despite slipping some credit to the other guy I noticed how he held himself up a bit more straight now, boosting with pride, blinking rapidly from under his curls. He looked cute.

\- Then I’m sure it was part of why you bagged the gig. I know the boys were looking for someone who can contribute to writing stuff – I added, winking at him which made him laugh. Scratch that, he didn’t laugh like normal people do, he giggled at a high-pitched voice. Giggled. Oh boy.

Anyway, it seemed to be contagious because I started chuckling too as I reached for the bottle which just left his mouth. He let me take it from his hand, and his currently-invisible eyebrows must have furrowed under all that hair as he gave me a puzzled look.

\- I’m sorry but I don’t think I know your name… I’m Jason - he extended his hand for me to shake – Jason Newsted.

\- Duh – I smiled and rolled my eyes as I took his hand and gave him a firm handshake – I’m Emilia but everyone calls me Em.

\- Nice to meet you, Em – he smiled again with that lopsided smile of his as he held my hand for a second too long. He must have been nervous, his palm was sweaty. He seemed to notice it too because he quickly let my hand go and wiped it on the back of his jeans.

\- How did Michael take the big news? Was Flotsam okay with you leaving?[1] – a fair question, but it could have been a tiny bit uncomfortable for Jason, who just shrugged.

\- They were not completely okay with it – he started – I practitally fronted the band alone, though the drummer, Kelly Smith helped out. I met him in ’81 when he was looking for a bassist and I answered his newspaper ad. We started the band together and practiced in his dad’s office for a time, then we got our own place and were all living under the same roof, just like you guys. We all worked very hard, practiced a lot and slowly we became more and more known around the area. When we could finally afford to release our music, we recorded Doomsday and Brian Slagel, you probably know him too, also put one of our songs on Metal Massacre VII.That helped a lot to reach more people but we were still far from superstardom. I managed all our correspondence, sent out our demos to different magazines and journalist and all that shit so me leaving is a real blow to them. But I think they understand… or at least I hope. We didn’t part on the best of terms, you see – he finished grimacing unahppily, eyes cast down.

\- I can imagine – I nodded – It must suck to let you go just like that.

\- Yeah… listen, I am supposed to meet my bass tech but I was told he’s gonna be late when I got here… maybe you could help me look for him? – he asked, turning his head to the side, taking a quick glimpse around, checking the guests nearby.

\- Uhm, you just found her – I announced looking at him confused – Who told you I’m a dude?

\- Lars said I should look for a tall guy with blonde hair and a massive beard… – he confessed, visibly shrinking from embarrasment, face reddening.

\- Of course he did… - my eyes narrowed as I shook my head. I also took a mental note to smack said Danish midget on the head the next time I see him.

\- Well, I am not 6”2 and I don’t have a beard. I hope it’s not gonna be a problem – I switched back to my better mood, chugging at the vodka again and passing it back to him.

\- Nah, I’m sure you’re okay as you are… - he smiled more widely this time, a little more at ease, seeing I was not offended by Lars’ prank – But I must tell you, I am kinda surprised you are my bass tech – he added.

\- Why? ’cause I’m a girl? – now I was getting offended. If there was one thing I hated it was people underestimating me just because I didn’ have a dick.

\- N-no, don’t get me wrong – he offered quickly, raising his hands in a defensive motion – I just thought…

\- What, that I’m a wardrobe girl? – I gave him a sharp look as he was shrinking into himself again, snatching the bottle from him with full intent to finish it in one go.

\- Actually I thought you… you were… James’s girl – he mumbled, shoulders drawn high, hiding his eyes behind those unruly curls.

I started laughing so suddenly hearing what he said that my face ended up covered in Smirnoff and I had to cough a few times to clear my pipes. Poor Jason just stood there frozen in place, waiting for me to gather myself.

\- God, save me from that misery… that would be something! – I managed to spit out between two fits of laughter.

\- I mean he did call you princess… and you are acting a bit like a couple, like just now when you wrestled for the juice – he continued his reasoning gesticulating wildly, now that he was sure I won’t tear his head off.

\- Right, I see – I said, still chuckling a bit – It can be a bit misleading sometimes but we are just friends. We grew up together in the same neighbourhood in Downey and we’ve been looking out for each other since we were kids. He was a shy kid, sometimes he still is, but he stood up for me in school when I needed the help. I had an accident a couple years ago and I had to move out of town – my dad used to be a mechanic at a radio shop so I know a bit about electronics and I also paly bass, so I moved in with James and the guys offered me a job as bass roadie. The nickname’s just kinda stuck with me from the early days.

\- What about you? Have you always lived in Phoenix? I hope Alice won’t miss you that much – I glanced at him, smiling. Jason opened his mouth to answer but he got muted by James’ loud shouting.

\- Newkid! NEWKID! Come here! – he demanded, standing on the top of our wobbly coffee table, waving eagerly at Jason to go join him.

Newsted – aka Newkid – just looked at me apologetically and strode over to James, who grabbed his shirt and practically lifted him off the carpet, up to the table.

\- Soooo, now that everyone’s here – he started, still holding Jason’s shirt in one hand, hovering the other one above our heads.

\- It's time to introduce the fucker properly… take a good look at our new bassist, MR. JASON NEWKIIID!!! – he shouted as he patted Jason on the back so vehemently that he almost sent the smaller man face first to the ground. The crew started chanting „Newkid, Newkid!” at that, stomping their feet to the rythm. Jason just waved around awkwardly as his face was getting red again while James started to stomp his foot on the table too, joining the crowd. The standing ovation didn’t last long as the table, which fought valiantly against the combined weigh of two adult men finally couldn’t take it any longer and collapsed beneath the guys with a loud crack, who disappeared from my sight with a loud crash and a surprised yelp.

The mob went wild.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] Flotsam: https://i.pinimg.com/564x/73/a8/7f/73a87f563d41478d2366c48cd4c4b87a.jpg  
>  https://i.pinimg.com/564x/1f/f5/44/1ff544f5f64fff9eb5c493cfee02cb8c.jpg  
>  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5N_VgD8hfYo


	4. Big in Japan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter for you guys, hope you like it - thanks for the kudos left, it's so awesome some people actually like this shit :)

1986.11.16.

After the first few chaotic days, things started to take shape in our lives again. The boys spent most of the days rehearsing with Jason at the warehouse. Before they started, I took half a day with him and tried out several amps with different basses and settings to find his own sound. He played with a pick which of course sounds very diffreent from finger-picking. It was strange to hear him play at first, the sound of the pick instead of Cliff’s round, murmuring tone but I got used to it pretty fast. Yes, it was different but the pick also gave a bit more aggression, more edge to the bass which I really dug. Jason took his time with every pairing of amp, head and bass, playing the lines over and over before moving on to the next setup. He was very thorough in general and he obviously wanted to make his best with the equipment available. He practiced a lot too, sometimes we did it together and I showed him how Cliff did this part or that which Jason couldn’t get properly by ear. Overall, he was determined to be the best bass player for Meallica and he worked hard to achieve his goal. He also treated me as an equal musician and was grateful for my help, unlike many other guys who just ordered their techs around like a slave. He never had anyone to handle his gear before and was not so confident in asking for things but we figured everything out together. We had fun while we experimented with the gear and got on pretty well. I found that getting to know someone new helped me a lot with my grief. I had so much to do, ask and remember that it took my thoughts off of the accident for the most part of the day. Nights were still hard, especially after I had to spend half a night at Kirk’s room, trying to calm him after a reocurring nightmare. I still missed Cliff, and I still caught myself staring off into nothing just thinking about him at times but it got easier to start processing his loss, one step at a time.

I also experienced that after he moved on from the initial shock of being accepted to play in Metallica, Jason wasn’t that shy at all;[1] he was goofy and always upbeat, and he soon joined in when the crew was giving me a hard time. Making sassy and often lewd comments and twisting my words was a running gig of the whole crew, as I was the only chick. The trick was not to take anything to heart and to always return the favour.

Kirk, Lars and James also warmed up to him gradually, though I could feel some tension between them when they didn’t play. It was a bit ambivalent, one minute they were buddies but the next they would make some sharp comment, or put the newcomer to the receiving end of some juvenile prank. James and Lars especially were very hard on him, but I was not sure why. Despite – or because of - feeling insecure, Jason had put up a front and acted a bit overconfident sometimes, which the others didn’t like too much based on their carefully timed grimaces and eye-rolling for Jason to see. He didn’t do it when he was with me, but hey, I was just a roadie, not one of his idols like James. I guess he felt no need to show something else than himself, which I marked as a good thing. If he is comfortable around me, it means he trusts me which is like the most basic thing between a musician and his tech.

With the Japanese dates aroud the corner, Lars decided to ease the newbie in with a few smaller gigs. Jason’s first show as part of Metallica was on 8th November, with a surprise opening gig for Metal Church in Reseda. It went quite well, the chemistry was clearly there between the 4 guys – with Jason on bass, they became „the closed fist” again. I also learned that he was a wild kid on stage, running up and down like lightning – I got exhausted just by looking at him. He ran around from one end to the other, gallopping up and down to Lars’s kit, banging his head like a freakin’ lunatic. He was soaking wet from sweat by the end of the second song. All in all he was great, and I could see how he fed off the crowd’s energy, gained power from every scream and shout thrown at him. The kids seemed to like him, too.

One thing he couldn’t keep up with was the drinking – he was obviously not used to consume such large amounts of alcohol like my boys, who still practically drank whisky for breakfast and of course they would pick on Jason if he didn’t join in. I found him worshipping the Great Porcelain God a few times at the end of the wilder nights, all pale and shaking. James and the others just laughed and made sure to snap some photos of him being totally hammered from vodka and beer. I thought the poor sod was even more adorable when he was shitfaced, giggling uncontrollably under his curls before spilling his guts.

***

The days flew by quicky, and by mid-November we found ourselves in Tokyo. Playing in Japan was one of the goals we’d sat for ourselves, so naturally everyone was excited to finally be here. We flew out 2 days prior to the first gig to make some time for exploring the capital, and we also had the added benefit of scheduling interviews and photoshoots on the extra days to make our schedule less packed. There were a few meet&greets and signing sessions too, and I must admit the fans over here were a bit strange compared to the US. Firtsly, a considerable number of them were girls. Not chicks, but young girls who kept following us everywhere. We left one venue to get back to our hotel and when we got out of the taxis there it was again, a massive group of japanese girls, waiting for the guys to get out from the car. The overall vibe was different, too: the kids here were very timid and polite, the didn’t freak out on you like at home or in Europe. They queued up to the signings and were always very well-mannered.

It was our last „day off” and I just got back to the hotel from my girl’s night out. I went out sightseeing with the others in the afternoon,[2] but I also wanted to experience the city by night so I just went out to the street after dinner and let my feet take me wherever they felt like going. [3] The vibe was awesome; there were people everywhere on the pavement, covered by the hundreds and thousands of neon lights and you could buy basically anything you could imagine from the small, stuffy shops, from fast food to leather lingerie. It was truly amazing. It was around 03:00 AM when I finally dragged myself out of the hotel elevator, feet hurting from the whole days’ activities. All I wanted was a quick shower, and some alone-time before dropping down into my super-comfortable, $100/day bed. I guess I was not the only one because as I got around the corner of the corridor to my room, I spotted Jason sitting not too far from my door, knees bent and drawn up to his chest, head lolling back against the pastel wall.

\- Jase? –he opened his eyes as I came to a halt before him.

\- What’s up, dude? You need somethin’?

\- Just some downtime – he sighed heavily – today was… not a good day – he said finally and dropped his head down towards his lap.

\- Wanna come in for a bit? – okay, okay, I DID want to just get to my room and ignore him for about half a second, but being the giant softie I was, I decided I could wait with that shower. The guy looked like he was in a shit mood and I wanted to cheer him up. Why else would he sit here on the hotel carpet, all by himself, 2 corridors down from his own room?

\- Thanks Em – he gathered his legs below himself and followed me to my room. One the few perks of being the only chick in the crew was that I always had a room of my own. Even Lars and the others were sharing rooms with each other.

\- What’s wrong? – I sat on the end of my bed and patted the spot next to me, inviting Jason to sit. He lowered himself carefully, half turned towards me and took a moment to think before he started, obviously irritated.

\- Where should I start? Let’s see… first of all, I am totally exhausted because I can’t sleep… haven’t been sleeping since I auditioned I guess, it’ just… I’m still trying to wrap my head around making it, you know – he looked at me thoughtfully.

\- Then there’s all this pressure I feel from everyone comparing me to Cliff… everyone’s thinking if I’m as good as he was, if I can replace him properly. It’s fuckin’ hard to play like this every night, trying to please an audience who expects me to play like I’m Cliff 2.0… I’m not - he scratched his nose as he continued, throwing his arms in the air.

\- And finally I don’t feel the guys really like me… I mean we get on most of the time but then something just switches and boom, suddenly my signo becomes „Jason. Ass face” instead of „Bass face” by the time pictures get to their end of the signing table… - he sighed heavily again, voice quvavering slightly as he looked up to my face. I could see in his eyes just how deep this hurt had its roots. He was always so upbeat, joking and giggling around us, seemingly not taking anything to heart… I guess even Jason had his limits becuse the look he gave me was frustrated, painful and sooo tired.

\- Yesterday they made me eat a fuckin’ spoonful of wasabi just for fun – he added – That stuff was lethal, it was so strong I thought I was gonna throw up right there at the table.

I chuckled at the memory (I’d seen the whole scene form the balcony) while looking apologetically at Jase.

He definitely had a point. The „friendly pranks” started to get more serious with each passing day and I really didn’t like where things were headed. I could understand the fraternity pranks, Lord knows how many I had been the victim of but this was getting to a whole different level. This was no buddy-buddy bonding ritual or shit like that, it felt more like a cruel joke, like a constant, not-so-subtle reminder of „you play with us, but you are not one of us” and I could see why it upsat Jason so much. He left his own band he built from scratch to become a member of Metallica, it was practically a dream come true for him as he said in an interview recently and it was important he felt appreciated by his bandmates. Jason wanted to please them so bad that he would have done anything to be accepted, and the guys used it against him many times. Even the crew picked on him more and more – as if it was OK to be mean to someone until others do it too.

\- Jase, I’m really sorry that my boys are all dickheads who can’t act like proper human beings around you – I put my arm around his shoulder and squeezed him a bit – I will try and talk to James to see if I can make it easier on you.

\- Pfff, like he listens to anybody… - he added sourly, leaning against me.

\- You don’t know me that well yet, but I have superpowers your couldn’t even imagine – I bumped my shoulder agains his and I could see a ghost of one of his crooked smiles from the corner of my eye.

\- As for the sleeping thingy, I think I have something to help you. If you’re into this kind of thing – I got up from my spot and took a few steps to my backpack. Jason’s eyes slighty widened, like he expected something else but he gave me a real smile when I turned over grinning, with a lighter and a joint in my hand, freshly rolled before I left for my little night-time adventure.

\- Em, you’re a national treasue – he beamed as he urged me back to the bed with his hands. Instead of sitting on the bed, I sunk down in front of it, with my back against the bedpost. I lit the joint and released the first puff of smoke as Jason joined me. I handed the roll to him, who took it carefully and took a deep drag, releasing it slowly.

\- Damn, if I get to smoke this stuff every time I’m upset James has told someone I’m gay… - he exhaled the remaining smoke from his lungs, eyes closed, enjoying the weed.

\- You’re definitely not gay, you stare at my boobs too much – I remarked casually as I took the joint between my fingers and went for a second hit.

\- Hey, cut me some slack! I can’t help it if you always wear these low-neck shirts! – he elbowed me with a fake-upset expression in his face – Great boobs by the way – he added, joined by an appreciative nod.

\- Thanks, I guess? – I snorted, suppressing a laugh. The tenseness started to finally seep out from Jason’s shoulders slowly and he relaxed a bit. We continued passing the joint between us in comfortable silence before he turned halfway towards me.

\- You didn’t say anything about Cliff… - he squinted at me, his former worry picking at his nerves again.

\- Well… I think Ciff is irreplaceable. Not because you are not as good as he was – I was quick to add – but simply because everyone plays differently. You play differently than he did, I play diferent from you, etc. It’s as simple as that. And don’t worry so much about the kids, I can see they like you. Do you think they would go nuts every night if they didn’t like you playing? I don’t think you should try to deliberately copy Cliff’s style or anything like that either. You’re Jason. You do your own thing. Everybody can go fuck themselves if they don’t like it.

\- Exactly! – he slapped his knee with satisfaction. He seemed to be lost in his thoughts for a moment, before he shyly asked.

\- How was he? Cliff, I mean… I never got to meet him… what was he like? If you don’t mind me asking of course – he offered apologically as he saw my face crumbling a bit.

\- No, I… I don’t mind talking about him, just give me a moment – I took a deep breath before I said anything.

\- CIiff was like a cool big brother to us all. He was so chill, the most laid-back dude I’ve ever met and he had this effect on you too. He never stressed about anything. Like, when _Master_ was about to come out, some journalist was invited by the management to listen to the stuff at the studio and write something about it – Lars and James had their panties in a knot whether the dude writes something positive or damns the whole album but Cliff just sat there not caring at all about the opinion of a stranger. As you probably know, he was really into music, like real music, he was the only one of us who actually studied music. He introduced harmonies and melodies to James and he listened to so many different styles it was hard to keep track. He would put on Lynyrd Skynyrd and then Simon & n’ fuckin’ Garfunkel, it was crazy sometimes. The boys always teased him but he just didn’t give a shit. He also liked being out, was a real outdoor kind of person much like James. They went on camping and fishing together a lot – Jason studied my face carefully as I spoke with a sad smile playing on my lips.

\- He was also the most mature of the band, and very confident. Last year we played at Day on the Green festival and James, Lars and Kirk completely trashed the trailer they had as a dressing room. After the show, Cliff gave them a proper, old-fashioned scolding. „What the hell were you thinking? That was a really stupid thing to do!” – I shook my finger at Jason, like a dad reprimanding his youngsters, imitating Cliff’s voice.

\- It was so much easier to keep them in line with him, too… sometimes I feel I’m a single mom with triplets running amok – I rolled my eyes as Jason just giggled next to me.

\- Funniest thing I can remember is that you know how everyone has something which he carries with himself at all times when on tour, yeah? For Cliff, it was a hammer. A fucking hammer. There were a few times when his luggage got inspected and every time the customs officers asked why he had it he just went casually like „You know, just in case I need it!” – I finished, wiping my eyes discreetly.

\- This reminds me, you didn’t answer my question from the other day – I added, staring up at the ceiling, trying to change the subject because I could feel myself drifting close to being miserable again.

\- What question? – he asked, puzzled.

\- Before you broke our coffee table at your welcome-party, I asked if you had always lived in Phoenix but I never got an answer.

\- Ahh, that… - he scratched his nose again. It must be a nervous tick.

\- No, I grew up in Michigan actually. My dad had a farm up there and we raised Arabian stallions. I rode every day, did the circuit horse shows, all that crap. Few years later we sold the farm and moved to a different city when I was in high school, and then I left for Los Angeles when I was 18 – he tucked his curls behind his ears to see me properly while he talked.

\- I was in a band with some guys much older than me, so when they decided to go to California to be rockstars I joined them. I sold my records to get some money together, we got ourselves a U-Haul truck, loaded our shit and went off. My dad freaked, my mom freaked even more. Naturally, we never reached L. A. – he chuckled at the memory.

\- We stopped in Phoenix for gas, and we kinda just never left. It was a though period; I worked at a sandwich place and slaved 2 shifts to earn enough money to make ends meet. I cleaned tables ’n’ shit from morning till the afternoon, and then washed dishes on the graveyard shift, riding my bike back and forth, just trying to keep it all togehter. I had all kinds of shitty and weird jobs over the years… I was practically still rubbing nickels together right until I joined Metallica – he finished the joint and put the roach out on the sole of his sneakers.

\- Awww, a real farm boy… - I leaned into him - Where are you hiding your flannel? – I scoffed and lifted his Flotsam T-shirt jokingly, looking for said plaid shirt.

\- Oh, I keep it a bit south from there… I can show you if you really want to see – he wiggled his eyebrows at me suggessively.

\- THIS is what I get for offering you comforting and free weed, crappy pickup lines? Did you leave your manners in Michigan? – I put my hand on my heart with an exasperated gasp.

\- I can give you something better, since you’ve been such a good girl – aaand he took it to the next level. Shit, I was too sleepy to watch my mouth and he used it to his advantage. Asshole.

\- Okay Newsted, I’m too tired and too high to continue this banter right now. Off you go! – I got up and pulled him up, too. He staggered a bit but kept his balance as I started ushering him out of my room.

\- Wait, wait, I… ugh.. thanks for listening to my whining. You didn’t have to, but you still did – he turned around at the door and looked me in the eye. Somewhere in the background I realized I could finally see his eyes clearly for a change.

\- Anytime, Jase – I hugged him gently. He returned the hug slowly, soaking in the warmth of the embrace. Or maybe he was just feeling up my boobs, who knows.

\- You’re part of the family now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] https://i.pinimg.com/564x/56/9e/6d/569e6d4c77ee0d7440b68a9aa7a203f9.jpg  
> [2] https://i.pinimg.com/564x/8c/69/eb/8c69eb7b18cd1b0411ba06d26d77611e.jpg  
> https://i.pinimg.com/564x/87/c0/64/87c064ec3d23241e098a85de1aeebc6f.jpg  
> https://i.pinimg.com/564x/bc/b4/21/bcb4214d44df228292d3310633be8518.jpg  
> [3] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgDzmTj5tSM


	5. Bleeding hearts and a bleeding nose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, I'm not entirely happy with this short chapter but I couldn't make it any better.

Late November - December, 1986.

The Japanese leg of the tour being officially over, we returned to the States to continue with the remaining dates of the Damage Inc. tour with Metal Church. We started on the East Coast and then moved over to Canada to finish in Metal Church’s hometown, Seattle on 20th December. The weather was so terrible the entire time that Lars simply labelled it the „eternal blackness tour”. It snowed pretty much non-stop, and being a California girl, I was freezing solid every time I had to move from the tour bus to a venue, though Jason seemed to be oddly at his element. He was amongst the first to initiate what later became regular snowball-wars between the crew and the band, and of course the guys also gave me a proper „snowbath” on the first week. Resistance was futile, but I still put up quite the fight and we laughed together later at dinner, Mick and the others joking about how they „made me fuckin’ wet”. Lars, on the other hand was no so lucky; he fell ill after one of the tournaments, having spent the better half of an hour outside without his coat and he had serious trouble breathing. It was so ironic that it was the Danish kid who couldn’t cope with the chilly weather that we all teased him to death, which did nothing to cheer him up.

One of the perks of the tour was not only that Metallica played 4.000 to 6.000 seat venues, but that we played 4.000 to 6.000 seat, sold-out venues. We mostly played hockey arenas – what else is there to play in fucking Canada, right? – where the stage stood in the middle, and the ice was covered with wood for the kids. At some places they didn’t bother to cover the ice behind the stage which lead to another great freetime activty: we would lend some skates and play hockey after soundcheck. At first everyone was cool with it, but after a few violent crashes at high speed, management officially banned the games.

I also didn’t forget about my little heart-to-heart with Jase in Japan. I was a man (or in my case, a woman) of my word, so I wanted to make good on my promise and try to ease his situation a little. The first step of my diabolical plan was to talk to Kirk before I go to James. Peope don’t give him enough credit, but Kirk was actually very observant, and sensitive enough to pick up the vibe around others quickly. If I played my cards right, I could pick up on things the Terror Twins (James and Lars) would not tell me otherwise. I also noticed Kirk was the freindliest with Jason, so if I could encourage him to be friendly with him more confidently maybe I could win Jason a real buddy. But I needed to be subtle, I didn’t want him to warm up to Jason because I asked him, I wanted him to do it because _he_ wanted to be friends with him. My boys were so screwed by Cliff’s death that they simply didn’t even think to (and to be honest, probably didn’t want to) imagine how Jason must be feeling. His life had also been turned upside down, only in the opposite direction and I wanted to remedy that to the best of my abilities.

The time to act came during our second week in Canada. After we got back to the hotel, I waited a bit and when I was sure everyone would be in their rooms, I went to grease the gears a bit.

Luckily I found Kirk sitting alone in the room he shared with Lars, doodling on one of his spare guitars he insisted on keeping in his room.

\- Can I come in? – I peeked my head in with a smile.

\- Em! – he shrieked happily, turning around – Sure, come on in!

\- How you doin’ baby? We haven’t talked in a while so I thought I would check in on you – I said as I took residence on the opposite bed, squeezing Kirk’s hand. He was clearly glad to see me, and I must admit I also missed his company a bit. It was always fun to hang out with the crew, but Kirk and me often made some time just for the two of us. We would watch old horror films on the couch when James and Lars were out somewhere. He was also a big fan of comic books, just like me so cruising the stores, looking for something new and exciting was another regular activity we did together. We were not as close as I were with James, but we had our moments. He was a sweet guy, a tiny bit timid but once he got comfortable around you he opened up like a book. He was a huge dork, and I really enjoyed our little adventures. I was grateful his girlfriend, Rebecca was okay with us being close.

\- I’m OK.. mosty… I just got off the pone with Becca, she says hi – he assured me, stroking the strings lightly – The nighmares stopped, but I still have trouble sleeping. I think it’s getting better thought. – he added, shrugging lightly.

\- That’s good, see I told you you just needed some time. And I think being on the road also makes it easier. At least for me, I have so much to do that I don’t really have any time to sulk.

\- Yeah, now that I come to think of it, it does – he drew his eyebrows together slightly – It’s good to be back. To be honest I was worried how it would be with Jason but he’s holding his ground on bass well, and his energy on stage is pretty impressive, he’s a fucking beast out there.

\- Yeah, he fits in well musically but what do you think of him? – I went in for the question I was meaning to ask when I crossed the door, listening intently.

\- He’s all right – he replied, alternating between two cords slowly – I like him, but he can be pretty arrogant sometimes. I mean he just joined but he’s already acting like he’s been in the band since forever. I don’t want him to think he just waltzed into a perfect situation. James is cool with him for the most part I think but Lars doesn’t like him, they are like on whole different pages… I acually overheard him talking to Peter about sacking him, but Pete said we made our choice so we just have to live with it.

And there it was, he just slipped a snippet of new info I wouldn’t have heard otherwise.

\- Maybe he’s just acting like that to boost his own confidence around you. I mean, he just joined his favourite band in the world, I bet he ’s still freaking out inside. You’re basically his heroes – maybe if I could make them look at it from the other angle they would turn down the hazing a notch.

\- Is that why you guys pull all these pranks on him? To put him in his place? I’m not blind, you know, I see what you’re doing to him.

\- Uhm, that’s mainly James and Lars… I know they can be a bit too intense but it’s all in good fun. And Jase never complies, he always laughs with the rest of us – he explained with a hint of defensiveness in his voice. As I said, he picked up on people’s moods fast, and he could definitely feel what I was tryig to make a point of. We both glimpsed towards the door as we heard footsteps fast approaching and muffled voices coming from the corridor.

\- You think he has a problem with it? – he asked, putting the instrument down on his lap.

\- I’m sure it bothers him… you know, it must be hard for him. He’s been thrown in at the deep on day 1 and I think he may struggle more than he lets on. I can imagine the pressure he has on him with everything going on: trying to fit in, touring, doing justice to his role as a bassist… Cliff has left some big shoes for him to fill, and it surely doesn’t help that he joined only 3 weeks after the funeral. The vibe around us is still somber, and none of us are on our best behaviour as it is. Must be kinda scary if you add all these things together – I saw him mulling over the things I have just said. The voices outside became louder now, and I could clearly make out James arguing with someone. What the heck was going on?

Kirk noticed it too, and we jumped on your feet as one to check out what’s happening.

***

\- … I don’t care Newdick, if you fuck up _The Four Horsemen_ one more time I swear I’m gonna beat your ass on stage! – we opened the door to the scenic beauty of Lars and James standing on one side of the corridor, teamed up agains Jason on the other end, who opened his arms desperately as he listened to the thundering voice of James giving him stick. James staggered slightly as he stood, indicating he’d been drinking again.

\- Maybe I wouldn’t fuck it up if Lars wasn’t playing it so much faster every time! – Jason tried to reason with him, not wanting to argue but clearly deciding not to let the others just stomp over him.

\- I’m sure Cliff also left out a note or two occassionally… – he continued, oblivious to the fact he just flagged the red cloth and I cringed inside. He realized it within a moment though, when James’s fist collided with his face and he ended up lying on the floor with a loud thud.

\- Don’t you EVER say that again, fuckface!!! – screamed James and that was it for me. I stormed out from behind Kirk’s back and turned towards them, visibly shaking with anger.

\- JAMES ALAN HETFIELD!!! What the fuck is wrong with you?!?!? – I let out my voice as I quicly closed the space between us, coming to a quick halt besides a now sitting Jason.

\- Are you out of you mind?! – if looks could kill, he would have already been lying on the floor next to Jason. I poked his chest aggressively, digging my finger deep in it and despite our difference in height, I saw he was slightly scared under the fog of alcohol covering his senses. We must have looked like a scene from a cartoon, me pushing a man’s chest who had his shoulders at the same height I had my head but I was just fucking done with his shit. It was never a good thing when I used his full name.

While I was engaged in a staring content with James, Kirk walked up to Jason and offered him a hand. Jase took it as he gathered himself, smearing a trickle of blood coming steadily from his nose.

\- Jase, you know where my room is, go and wait for me there please – he nodded as Kirk helped him walk away in said direction.

\- Lars, beat it, I need to talk to James – I spit out as I grabbed the vocalist roughly by his upper arm and dragged him in his room, righ next to Kirk’s. It was not often that I lost my temper so much, and in public so Lars’s famous motormouth remained tightly shut as he disappeared towards the other end of the corridor. As for James, he let himself be pushed inside and seemed to be totally bewildered by me going crazy on him. I was sure he also felt he crossed a line because he was also alarmingly quiet.

\- Care to explain what the fuck just happened? – I asked pointedly as I crossed my arms before my chest.

\- He screwed up _Horsemen_ again tonight... – he started but I just cut him off.

\- So he deserves a broken nose?! Shit, I’ve seen you do some fucked-up things before but this takes the cake. He played a wrong note, so fuckin’what? You and Kirk screw up chords all the time, and Lars is hardly the drummer of the year – I stepped closer to him during my little monologue and he just stood there, frozen in place, staring at me with eyes like saucers.

\- He’s doing a great job and you give him no credit for it at all, like it’s nothing special and anyone could step in and do it. You have no fuckin’ idea how hard he’s working to do his best, to get your approval… he looks up to you so much and you treat him like shit. What is you problem with him? – he tried to cut me off a few times but I was too far gone to let him interrupt me. All my frustration form the past month just fuelled the anger flooding out at him: the accident, the unsteadiness, the stress, the exhaustion of being back on the road again, the way the boys choked their sorrows with booze and the injustice of how they treated Jason.

\- He’s not Cliff, okay?!?! – he finally shouted at me and sinked on the bed, dropping his head into his palms.

\- He’s not… I can’t… - he mumbled on a cracking voice and I could see tears dropping from between his fingers. It was so unlike him to weep openly that my anger immediately disappeared.

\- Jamie… - I sank down to my knees in front of him, rage forgotten as I took him in my arms, cradling him tenderly. He held on to me tightly and I kissed the top of his head, burrying my face in his hair. We stayed like this for a few moments, him shaking and sobbing and me swaying us gently, running my arms around on his back in a soothing circular motion. James never cried in front of others, he always kept his pain under lock and key and the last time I’ve seen him in such a state was the day after we lost Cliff. Sometimes he would allow me to see him vulnerable but not like this.

\- I can’t handle it, Em, I really can’t… every time I look to my right on the stage I expect Cliff to be there and I see him instead… - he manged to get out between his stifled sobs, with his face buried in the crook of my neck – I miss him so fuckin’ much…

\- I miss him too… - I kissed his cheek and wiped his hair from his face as he finally looked up to me.

\- But you can’t beat Jason up for not being Cliff… I’ve been meaning to talk to you about it for a time. Jamie, I know how hard it is for you right now, it is for all of us but this has to stop right here. You can’t just lash out on others like this – I cradled his face as I spoke, looking into his eyes to make sure he listens and the message gets through despite him being far from sober.

\- And I don’t like you being drunk all the time... I’m not your mom, and I m not your girl but if you accept some advice from a friend, you cut back on the booze. I know it numbs the pain you feel and you want to escape from reality but I am worried about you. I don’t want to see you end up like Dave… – I rested my forhead agains his and wiped off a few tears from his face.

\- I’m sorry… I just don’t know how to carry on with… all this …

\- It’s not me you need to say sorry to... but you can come to me anytime you need someone to speak to, okay? I’m here for you – I hugged him again and he calmed down a little as he took a deep breath and nodded.

\- Now, you have an apology to make and I have a bleeding nose to take a look at. Shall we? – I asked as I got up from my knees, looking expectantly at him.

\- Yeah... just let me wash my face first – he agreed as he rose.


	6. First Aid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise I'll get better at posting longer chapters!

Same day, a little later

Back in my room, Jason was sitting on my bed, pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand and holding a tissue to his nostrils with the other, trying to make the bleeding stop. He tried his hardest not to lick his bruised lip too much but it was not easy. Kirk was trying to be helpful and looked for some ice in the freezer of the tiny fridge which came with the room.

\- Here – he held out one of my scarves packed with ice, looking down at the sulking bassist.

\- Thanks – he accepted the home-made icepack and hissed as he put it on his nose.

\- You OK?

\- Do I look OK to you? – the younger man asked tiredly, frowning as the ice started to melt.

\- No, I mean… not physically – the guitarist took a moment to look for the right word.

\- Would it matter if I said I’m not? – Jason was just sooo tired of it all and he didn’t even try keeping up his usual bright mood any longer. He felt unliked, unwanted and as if that wasn’t enough, now his nose and lip hurt like a bitch, too. What hurt even more was his heart; it sounded like a bad line from some cheesy novel written for middle-aged, bored housewives but truth was that James cracked that too back on the corridor outside.

\- If it’s any consolation, I don’t care if you miss a few notes here or there – Kirk offered, obviously feeling bad for the bassist – And I don’t think James meant what he said either… he is just wasted as usual and talks shit.

\- Is he like this with everyone or is it just me he hates so much?

\- He doesn’t hate you, man. He’s never been a violent drunk, but he’s being more pissy recently. Guess we’re all jumpy after what happened… – Jason glanced up at the guitarist but he quickly cast his blue eyes over to the door as I entered, with an embarrassed-looking James on my trail.

\- James would like to say something – I announced with an explicit look towards James, and stepped over to let said blonde guitartist step in front of the offended party.

\- Listen man, I ugh… drank a bit too much… and maybe took some of my frustration out on you… and.. I’m sorry – he offered, hesitantly offering his hand towards Jason. Jase just stared at him for a minute, totally surprised. He took his time to respond, being still pissed but also appreciating the gesture before he put the icepack down and accepted the peace offering and the apology.

\- Are we good? – James asked, looking down on Jason.

\- Yeah, we’re good... just don’t hit me again – he nodded, releasing his grip on James’s hand.

James just lowered his head at that and looked at me. I smiled at him encouragingly which he took as a cue he could leave. He moved for the door, followed by Kirk who took the oportunity to leave me alone with Jase.

\- You can room with me tonigh – he added over his shoulder before they left us alone.

***

\- Let me see your nose – I asked and lowered myself on the bed in front of Jase.

\- It’s not that bad, really – he tried to pull his head away reluctantly but I gripped his chin and took a good look at his swollen nose.

\- Don’t even try to argue with a trained nurse – I scolded him as I gently touched the already purpling bruise on the left side.

\- What? You’re a nurse? - he exclaimed and hissed in pain as I slowly stroked the bridge of his nose with a bit of force, trying to feel if there was anything more serious than swelling and a bruise. He gripped the bedsheet like his life depended on it but tried his best not to cry out in pain.

\- Uh-humm – I hummed, tilting his head back a bit to look at his bloody nostrils – Or at least I used to be. I wiped the clogged blood away and I was happy to see the bleeding had stopped, and the damage was indeed nothing serious.

I pulled his head back and moved to pull his cracked lower lip sporting a deep, dark bruise. He let me carry on without a word, apart from a few occassional whimpers.

\- You’ll live - I concluded as I reached for the half-melted ice, still holding his face in my hand – Just keep this on your lip and nose for a while to keep the swelling down and you’ll be fine. You’re lucky he was drunk, his right hook is pretty serious when he’s not hammered.

\- I bet... by the way, what kind of black magic did you use to make him apologize to me? – he wondered aloud, still having difficulty to process what just happened. He’d only been in Metallica for a few weeks, but James Hetfield definitely didn’t seem like the type to say sorry to anyone.

\- I told you I have superpowers – I smirked at him and he smiled back on instinct, wincing when he pulled his broken lip. I noticed a deep scar on the left side his chin and I ran my thumb over it.

\- What happened here?

\- I fell over with my bike when I was twelve. There was blood everywhere; I even got two stiches – he explained, moving the ice over from his nose to his lip.

With the first-aid already applied, I released my hold on him and got up from the bed. He moved to get up too and slowly ambled towards the door.

\- Are you gonna be good rooming with Kirk? – I asked as he reached for the doorknob.

\- Sure, I’ll be fine – he confirmed as he stepped out to the corridor.

\- Thanks for the ice… and for standing up for me. It meant a lot – he turned back to me with soft, grateful eyes glimmering brightly under his ruffled bangs. He had very expressive, intense eyes and I found myself to be lost in them more and more often.

\- I told you, you’re family now. We stick up for each other – I said softly as he left.


	7. Happy New Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slowing down a bit again, but action is only 2 posts away!

December, 1986 - January, 1987

After Seattle, we took a few weeks off to recover from all the travelling and to spend Christmas at home. Lars flew off to Spain and Morocco, obviously in need of some sunshine and warmth after his sickness; Kirk visited his mom and Becca – he had a very special surprise for her which I helped him pick out at a jewelery store; Jason took off to see his folks in Michigan and James popped down south to spend the festivities with his half-siblings. I myself spent the holiday at home by myself, enjoyin the peace and quiet of the empty house. I could drink egg-nog straight fom the bottle while spreading on the couch in my undies without anyone interrupting if I wanted, so that’s exactly what I did. It may seem lonely but I didn’t mind, and my boys all ringed to wish me a Merry Christmas. As much as I missed them, it was quite the task to always keep a watchful eye on them, and be there when they needed me. It was hard enough to „be there” for myself sometimes.

Christmas came and went, but I got restless after the 5th day of not doing anything in particular so I went down to Ruthie’s in Berkeley to see Kirk’s old band, Exodus. The gig was great, and as I knew most of the guys and their crew, it was easy to get piss drunk with them by the end of the night. We started doing shots before the show, and I had some foggy memories of jumping on the stage and screaming Bonded by Blood with Paul. It was always great to hang with my own crew, but I always had my own tasks and responsibilities while on tour and never allowed myself to lose control like this, not to mention I had 3 (now 4) grown-ass infants I needed to keep out of trouble. That night, on the dirty stage with Paul holding me upright I felt completely free in a long time. Apparently I felt so free that I went home with one of the guitar techs. He was new, could not keep his eyes off me and as I sobered up a bit, I thought fuck it, why not to feel myself even better? It was past midnight, we were both drunk and horny and to be honest I could use a bit of excitement after the last few, silent days. The sex was just a great addition on the con-pro list. We ended up stumbling through the door around 04:35 in the morning, still tipsy but what we lost in terms of hand and sight coordination, we made up for with speed and were on the couch within minutes, half naked. Things escalated quickly from there, and soon we fell into a shallow, though well-deserved slumber.

The party season didn’t end with that of course, and with Kirk and James back home, we celebrated Kirk’s proposal and the start of ’87 with the rest of the thrash community in The Stone. We didn’t have much time to cure our hangovers, as we were scheduled to fly to Copenhagen with Anthrax and Metal Church again in the first days of the new year, to begin preparations for the European dates rescheduled after the accident. Well, at least that was the plan, but the guys spent much of the time drinking Carlsberg and fucking around during rehearsals. Jason appeared to be slightly confused and a bit uncomfortable by the light mood and the slack practices, clearly he was used to take music very seriously and would practice in every free second he had. Eventually he would take it more easy, but being a perfectionist, it took some time for him to get accustomed to „the Metallica way of doing it”. After Copenhagen, we rolled over to countries we’d never played before: Spain, Italy, Poland, etc.[1] January in Europe was freakin’ cold, much like Canada had been but it was the first occassion we simply could not move our equipment due to the extremely slippery condition of the roads.

One of the early highlights of the tour was a gig in Zwolle, some festival where even I got to play on the stage. That’s right, baby! We had this kind of house band with the other techs we did the soundchecks with, and from our soundcheck jams emerged a band simply called Scrap Metal. Our manager, Peter Mensch heard us play and he found it so funny that the band had its own band he offered us an opening slot. This is the story of how I ended up on stage, playing for about 7.000 – 8.000 peope in early February. Eddie and Danny played guitar, I did bass and backing vocals and Flemming, Lars’ roadie contributed on drums to Lowey’s vocals from Church. We were pretty tight, and we had a great time of course – it was like an „opposite day” because we all shared the dressing room, and Metallica assisted us with the equipment and shit. I almost lost it when I hear John ordering James around in the same manner he would, James obviously not liking it based on the faces he made. We all took the opportunity to get back on Metallica, though I had nothing agains Jason – he was always so nice and easy-going I simply had to correct a few things for him. We played about an hour and our setlist had classics like Sabbath, but mostly consisted of NWOBHM hits from Angel Witch, Diamond Head, etc. Of course Motörhead’s „We are the Road Crew” would have been a shame to miss out on. We all were freaked by the sheer mass of bodies in front of us, but the gig went pretty well and we loosened up quickly. In fact the last few weeks of the tour went by in a more relaxed mood, which often resulted in improv sessions during the shows. Kirk would start playing some random riff while the others were changing guitars and join in after, or the band amused itself by playing well-known songs during the breaks. They were just having fun on stage, doodling.

Another much welcomed change was the steadily growing number of chicks attending our gigs. In the beginning, it was mostly dudes between 15 – 25, but now I noticed at least ¼ of our audience were chicks. Nice-lookin’, fangirling chicks. It took no time at all for the realization to dawn on the others too and soon the backstage was frequented by drunk, half-naked girls and filled with not-so-discreet moans. It was quite annoying for me, because some of the lucky ladies were either annoyingly eager to please, or would not want to leave after the deed was done. I was partly happy as this was clearly a sign of success (both personal and professional), and I knew it was probably a harmless AND entertaining way for my boys to reduce some stress. Naturally they all enjoyed being drowned in pussy beyond measure; apparently even Jason got some as I expereineced his success first-hand when accidentally opened the door on him and a curvy bimbo going at it like crazy from behind. He blushed so fast I was afraid he would faint from the sudden rush of blood from one part of his body to the other but after I simply gave him a thumbs up and grinned like hell he relaxed before the girl even realized the door had been cracked open. He has a nice ass, I found myself thinking while trying hard not to laugh out loud until I reached the end of the corridor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] https://i.pinimg.com/564x/a0/a1/b6/a0a1b6ff6a7e7915c9e0176148aafd8c.jpg


	8. Garage days

July, 1987

January came and went, and by the middle of February we were ready to go home for a well-deserved rest. James and Kirk spent the first few weeks of the break just chilling out and enjoying themselves but Lars had some packing to do: he decided to leave the comfortable, but run-down safety of the MetalliMansion[1] and moved out. He'd been talking about it for a while, but didn’t come to act upon his word until hot water ran out during his turn of showering – again (p.s.: that’s what you get for sleeping in every single day). It seemed he didn’t want to place himself too far from us, because he found a pretty decent-looking house just a few blocks up the road. James said that he won’t miss the constant babbling and that easily distinguishable Danish armpit-smell, but I knew deep-down he was gonna’ miss the little fucker.

His room hadn’t remained completely empty though, as now we had Jason, who visited frequently to jam with the boys or just to hang out and sometimes stayed over in Lars’ old room. He lived a bit further away from us, in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment in Castro Valley so obviously he needed some company not to die from boredom on his own. As he was new in the city, we took him out to our favourite spots: the skateboard park James and Kirk frequented (that was a painful firts date for him), the Stone, we drank beer at Ruthie’s, and of course there was San Francisco proper with all the mandatory sights. I even took him to see my favourite „Painted Ladies”, these amazing, Victorian houses painted to different, vivid colours near Alamo Park. In return, he told us about his time in Arizona and the „aggregator parties” they had there as a local past time activity. You only needed an aggregator, a band, a few desks to serve as the stage, numerous cases of beer, staff to handle the beer and the comings and goings of people and a handful of flyers dropped to key locations in the city. Put these all together nand voilá, you have a proper, Arizona-style aggregator party. As we spent more time with him, the tension between my boys and Jase started to dissipate during the end of the tour, and the initial hazing also tapered down considerably. He would still be at the butt-end of jokes and pranks, like everey newcomer in any club or band, but it was not as harsh as before. Jason also felt himself more comfortable with them, and gave up any front or act he had when he joined. He seemed to be this gold-hearted, little naive but honest-till-his-last-breath farm boy from Michigan who you could always count on, no matter if you wanted him to learn a new song by tomorrow or to help you dig a six feet, coffin-shaped hole in your background at 2:00 AM, no questions asked.

All went relatively well until March, when James broke his arm (again!) while skateboarding with his pals.[2] Rehearsals were put on hold for a while, but this left time for us to look for a „professional”place to rehearse at. The guys thought that now that they had breached the barrier of international rocksardom – and Lars moved his drumkit to his new place – they ought to practice somewhere without vomit-stains on the walls. James found a quite nice place in Marine County: with hardwood floors polished so shiny you could see your face in it, fancy equipment, nice and comfortable plush couches and you didn’t have to worry your neigbours will call the cops if you’re being too loud. It was all nice and the folks there were more than OK but sadly the place had no feel, no character at all.

As usual, it was Lars who came up with the perfect solution for a band that emerged from a garage in ’81: let’s go back to the garage! His new place had a huge, 2-car garage which he didn’t use, so why not convert it into a proper rehearsal room? His landlady said she was OK with it, and they were all invested so we set out and spent the next 1-2 months hammering away at Lars’. James and him wanted to do it properly, so we bought several rolls of carpet and other shit to soundproof the place wiht Jason’s lead. He mentioned he’d had all kinds of shitty jobs before he joined and his time spent working as a carpenter proved to be really handy. He showed us how to fix the soundproofing on the walls and the ceiling and was very patient with us all, even with James who still had his cast on but was eager to join in, which resulted in more setbacks than actual progress. Soon the work was finished, and we could all lay back on the grass, clinking our beers together, just enjoying the sunshine, admiring the super-soundproofed, new garage.

After ditching his cast, James and the boys baptized the place with a set of cover songs, not to strain James’s arm so much. The first few sessions were so successful that when the demand to put out new material for the upcoming Monsters of Rock dates in the UK rose, the guys decided to release an album of their favourite covers. Garage Days Re-Revisited was rough, underproduced and this was exactly what made it so popular amongst the kids. This was something every self-made guitar hero could connect with: jamming the afternoon away, playing your favourite songs with your buddies in the garage. Production took a negative record of just 6 days but the result was an awesome EP with cool songs and most importantly, it had vibe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] https://hu.pinterest.com/pin/348114246199683308/  
> https://hu.pinterest.com/pin/348114246199689535/
> 
> [2] https://hu.pinterest.com/pin/348114246199203280/


	9. One-time thingy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise double-post! :) also, tags revised and extended 'cause there's some action happening - FINALLY.

July, 1987

\- Hmm, I should come over more often – I heard a familiar voice from behind my back.

\- Shut up, asshole – I simply said as I tried to hold the position on my yoga mat: hands and feet on the ground, ass towards the ceiling and apparently, Jason.

He just grinned as I rolled my eyes at him, tilting his head to the side to better enjoy the view.

\- Why are you even here? – I asked not so nicely while lowerig myself on the floor. Jason pouted at the sudden change of view, my leggings-wrapped ass no longer facing him.

\- James went out with Lars to get shitfaced and I doubt he will turn up anytime before noon tomorrow.

\- I was on my way back home and I just popped in to see if Kirk wanted to jam – he lifted a brand new guitar case I completely missed from my upside down perspective.

\- You bought it?!?! – I shrieked with excitement as I jumped right up and practically tore the case from his hand. He just giggled with that annoying/cute giggle of his and hummed as I quickly opened the case and gasped at the sight: there she was, a vibrant red, 5 string ESP Surveyor.[1] It was so freakin’ beautiful I could almost cry as my eyes roamed over every inch of the instrument.

\- Jase, she’s a real beauty… - I hesitantly reached to pick it up, looking at Jase, silently asking for his permission.

\- Go on, try it – he nodded encouragingly and that was all I needed: I carefully took the bass in my hands, leaned it agains the tigh of my right leg now on the couch and played a few warmup scales experimentally. The neck was comfortable, and I loved the colour but I needed to sample the sound properly, through an amp.

\- Kirk is at Becca’s, but you are soooo not going anywhere – I smirked at him – Give me 10 mins to clean up and we can jam.

I took a lightspeed-quick shower and by the time I returned to the living room, Jase was already halfway through Battery, beaming at me while he played. I took James’s white Explorer and we plugged in. The next hour went by in a blur: we played Metallica, we played blues and we even played some funk, though I am not really good on guitar with that stuff. We switched instruments from time to time so that I too could get the feel of the newest addition to Jason’s rapidly growing bass collection. After that we took a short break and popped open a beer or two. We also cracked open a bottle of Jack to celebrate the new bass, puring shot after shot while chatting about our favourite albums, the upcoming dates in the UK and Germany and everything in between. Jase was funny and easy to talk to, so I enjoyed our little talks more and more, even with the usual teasing and frisky comments whenever he could twist my words in that direction. Actually this was something I noticed happening more often, and I also noticed a kind of unspent tension between the two of us. Not the bad kind, as I mentioned we got on great, but the more we talked, the more I sensed this sexual frustration: we obviously liked each other, and we spent most of our time together meaning we would see each other in every kind of states, including partly undressed. Jase would change his shirt between songs during a show, and I often joined the guys in the dressing room right after the show when they were getting ready to shower or changed. They also walked in on me sometimes when I was getting ready to go, or invited me to their room to drink after a gig in my pajamas. It was nothing special for me, I had been living with James, Kirk and Lars for a while meaning we had all seen each other walking around only partly covered by clothing. I was used to seeing James without a shirt, Lars butt naked, or Kirk with only underwear on. What I was not used to was seeing Jason shirtless; him hitting on me for fun shirtless; him taking discreet and not-so discreet looks towards my boobs and me always getting back at him with another remark so casually, yet feeling a tingling sensation below the belt. We fell into a familiar and well-oiled routine of on and off banter which got so serious there were bets between certain crew members placed on the day we finally gave in and banged. Mostly I enjoyed the excitement of not knowing what was next, and the fact Jase was not only extremely likeable and nice but also handsome with his blue eyes and curly hair also added to the mix. That annoyingly cute giggle and his wrinkled smile was just the cherry on top of the „Jase and Em have the hots for each other” pie. The only thing that could possibly spoil the situation was the fact that though I liked Jase, I was not ready for a relationship. In fact I was still so far from it almost 2 years after the accident that made me move in to the MetalliMansion, that I didn’t trust another man with my heart other than James. And I was not sure what Jason had in his mind when he started all this wordplay with me but I didn’t want to accidentally hurt his feelings in case he was being serious. That would be bad. And awkward, given we were working together.

After a while, feeling comfortably buzzed, we took the guitars again and Jase showed me a few riffs he had come up with.[2] We were working on one of the trickier ones I just couldn’t get right on guitar.

\- Play it slower! – I asked and he obliged, playing the melody on bass. I did my best to reproduce it but I could not figure out the right frets.

\- Show me the fingering – I requested absentmindendly, looking intently on his left hand.

\- Oh, I can show you some fingering alright– he beamed at me, wiggling his eyebrows and giving me the fuckeye as usual, snuggling closer to me on the floor so our knees knocked together. I rolled my eyes at him, but decided to keep up the game.

\- Yeah? Come on big boy, show me how its done – I riled him right back provokingly, leaning in closer to his face. His grin became wider as he put his hand on the fretboard with a grand flourish and then started showing me what chords to play.

\- Oooh yeah baby, that’s what I’m talkin ’bout! Give it to me! – I moaned at him lolling my head back and we both lost it as I glimpsed at him and our eyes met. We burst out in laughter so hard we had to lean on each other not to tumble with the instruments in our laps. Somehow we ended up face to face, heads leaning against each other, my right hand grabbing his shoulder for support, still snickering. I took some deep breaths to stop myself and as I looked up from my fit of laughter it hit me I was suddenly looking right into Jason’s eyes from about 2 inches. He smiled and just watched me with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

\- What? – I asked with a genuine, sweet smile at him. He just had this effect on us chicks, he just looked at you with those ocean blue, innocent eyes and you had to smile at him. Pity it didn’t work on dudes, that would have made his life easier in this band.

He didn’t reply, just smiled with that crooked smie of his as he leaned in and sealed my lips with his.

***

So THIS is what it felt like being kissed by Jase – I found myself thinking as he closed the gap between us. He was confident, but very gentle at first, as if he wanted to see if I would allow him to do this. His lips were soft and delicate on mine, not pushing to rush things or to deepen the contact, just allowing me to get familiar with the sensation.

And what a sensation it was; at first I was just sitting there, surprised by Jason’s boldness. It took a moment for me to regain my conciousness and as I felt the familiar butterflies in my belly, I started carefully responding. Jason stroked my cheek with his thumb before running his fingers into my thick, dark hair behind my ear. I gave an unvoluntary sound of approval which he took as permission to deepen the kiss: his tongue was begging for entry which I granted of course, and I moaned with pleasure as our tongues started playing catch me if you can slowly. He laid his other hand on my naked thigh and massaged it gently somewhere halfway between my knee and my more sensitive parts. I started to feel very, very hot under my loose shirt and shorts as I tangled my hand in that incredible curly mess and drew him closer by it and we started kissing each other more feverishly. It felt really good, he felt really good but the more we both started to enjoy each other, my previous worry about where this is going started knocking on the back door of my mind.

Eventually we had to stop as we still needed some oxygen to exsist, so we parted flushed and gasping for air, foreheads leaning against each other.

\- J.. Jase? – I managed to whisper his name only on the second try.

\- Yeah? – he looked at me, a shadow of insecurity flashing through his face.

\- What are we doing? – I squinted at him, looking directly into his beautiful eyes.

\- I thought we were having a moment here… - he started, gently cupping my cheeks, smiling at me.

\- I, uhm, certainly enjoyed the moment but… do you want it to be a long-lasting, permanent moment or just a we-got-drunk-and-we-like-each-other-so-let’s-fuck-each-other’s-brains-out moment? – I hesitantly asked, curious of his reply. He averted his eyes for a split second before he turned them back to me.

\- Em, I like you, like REALLY like you and I don’t want you to feel I forced anything on you. I just… you looked so hot I had to kiss you. Fuck, I wanted to do it for a while now but I didn’t really thought this through you know, I probably didn’t even have enough blood in my brain for that – I snorted loudly and he giggled at that.

\- If you would feel uncomfortable if we did anything more I’ll just leave – he added, watching my face intetntly for any reaction.

\- Don’t go… I am okay, hell, I am more than okay with a one time thingy, I’m just not sure I would be OK with a long-time thingy and I don’t know how you’re looking at it… - I explained to the best of my abilities after 5 shots of whisky and 2 beers.

\- I left the engagement rings in my other jeans if that’s what you worry about – he said fake-casually with a shrug and I just had to snicker at that.

\- Look, I won’t say I wouldn’t mind kissing you on a regular basis because as you know, Boy Scouts and Michigan farmboys never lie, but I am not looking for long-time commitment right now. Does that answer your question? – he looked at me expectantly, and maybe just a tiny bit nervous.

I took a good look at him: his kind eyes, soft chestnut curls and that damned lopsided smile before I removed the guitars from between us, threw my hands around his neck and started kissing him in earnest.

Time seemed to have jumped a few minutes forward without warning because suddenly I found myself lying on the floor on my back, with Jase on top, kissing me hungrily. He bit my lower lip and my breath hitched at that, I was soon grabbing his shirt and tugging it towards his head demandingly. He got what I wanted and quickly and unceremoniously ditched it before continuing his good work on the side of my neck, slowly reaching down to my boobs. He gently cupped them, and covered my cleavage with kisses as well, giving me goosebumps as his thin lips caressed the sensitive skin where my shirt allowed him. He lifted it for better access, and it joined its twin brother next to the couch in no time as Jase was now working on the clasps of my bra. I sat up so he could get rid of the offending piece of underwear faster, and started caressing his chest, leaving sloppy kisses on his left shoulder, moving on to his nipple. His breathing became heavier and he let out a soft moan at that, to which I replied by running my lips over his nipple again, and then sucking on it carefully. While he was preoccupied with my ministrations, I sneaked my hand between his legs and started rubbing him throug his jeans. He shuddered at the sensation, leaving my bra for a moment to grab my arm and pushed it harder against the bulk in his pants. I got the hint and started to palm him stronger, which he acknowledged with another, louder moan and finally got rid of the bra.

We found each other’s mouths again and kissed so feverishly like we wanted to suck the life out of the other, tongues twisting, teeth clashing, feeling each other’s hot breath on our lips when we broke apart to breathe. He cupped my breasts again, pinching my nipples between his fingers and I groaned with pleasure. He laid me back to the floor and started kissing my belly, going lower and lower until he reached the hem of my shorts. I caressed his hair and his back as he looked up for me, as if silently asking if I was sure I wanted this. I just smiled at him and he smiled back widely and then gently tugged my pants off, leaving me only with my undies on. I drew up my legs on instinct as he stroked my inner thighs gently, placing a few kisses here and there until he reached what was in between. He removed my last line of defense and kissed me one last time before his head disappeared underneath.

\- Jase, what are you –Oh!... – I gasped as I suddenly felt his tongue on my clit, rubbing it gently.

\- I can stop if you don’t like it – he lifted his head up to grin at me, but I just shoved it right back between my thighs.

\- Don’t you DARE stopping – I commanded and he was all too happy to oblige as he startet pleasuring me with his mouth again. He definitely knew what a girl wanted, and he soon added a finger to the mix. I almost creid out as he entered me with the first but when a second finger joined, it became even more intense. I started bucking up my hips on instinct and quickly reached climax as Jason’s calloused fingertips kept rubbing that certain spot inside of me. That, combined with him gently sucking my clit got me over the edge fast, screaming out loud.

He smirked as he emerged from betwen my legs and kissed me, deep and hard. I could taste myself on his lips and somehow it made me even hornier than I was; I felt dirty from feeling the result of my own pleasure on him. He leaned agains me and lifted my hands behind my head, holding my wrists in his hands. I instantly tried wrigling my hands free but his hold on me was firm, keeping me in place under his palms. My breath hitched as my pulse got quicker: Jason didn’t seem to realize I wanted him to release me as he continued to hold me down despite my more and more frantic efforts of getting rid of his hands.

\- Jase, let me go… - I asked him in a tiny voice, voice heavy with fear. Memories from a similar situation started flooding my brain and it suddenly got harder and harder to breathe.

\- Hmm? – he looked up to me from the crook of my neck with his pupils totally blown. His eyes were almost brown like this.

\- Let me go! – I panicked and started tuggind my hands harder, voice wobbly from emotions, now panting heavily. Jason realized quickly that somethig was not right even in his hazy state and released me in an instant, sitting back on his heels.

\- I’m so sorry... did I hurt you? – he asked, gathering my hands in his and rubbing my wrists gently, concern settling in his eyes as he was looking at me for any reaction.

\- Not really… I just don’t like being held down. Ever. - I sat my eyes on the ceiling, trying to calm my breathing with a few deep inhales, releasing them slowly. Jason was watching me with a hurt expression on his face – he was clearly disturbed by the fact he did something which caused me to freak out on him – as he kissed my wrists before releasing them completely.

\- Are you OK? – he asked as he lowered himself on me again, brushing a few strands of hair from my face, stroking the tip of my nose with his, looking into my eyes for any hint of discomfort.

\- As long as you don’t pin me down again I’ll be fine – I ensured him with a nod and a faint smile; he didn’t seem entirely happy with my answer. I didn’t let him linger on it too much because now it was my turn to push him to his back and swifty release him from the confines of any remaining clothing. For a moment I just feasted my eyes on the sight of him naked: his pale skin, his lean but muscular frame, his curly hair around that handsome face with the incredible blue irises. I smiled at him genuinely this time, all fear gone as I reached down and then took him in my palm. He hissed at the contact but his hiss quickly became a string of moans as I started pumping him, rolling his balls with my other hand. He was fully erect and I could already feel precum staining my hand as I leaned down and took his manhood in my hot, wet mounth – he choked on a moan and threw his head back, eyes closed as I massaged him with my tongue, gently rubbing him with my teeth experimentally. To my surprise his breahts became ragged at that; it was something only a few of my former fuck-buddies enjoyed but if he was into it, today was his lucky day. I allowed him deeper and deeper into my mouth until I swallowed him completely in one swift motion from base to tip and he yelped, moving to lift my head.

\- I won’t be of much use if you keep that up – he managed to get out as I sat back, and I was just about to make things more interesting when I noticed the small blue rectangle in his hand. Thank God at least one of us was sober enough to think.

\- Let me – I said as I took it from him, took the contents in my mouth and lowered myself again with a wicked grin to put the condom on by using only my lips.

\- Oh fuck me, that was hot – Jase blurted out as he grabbed me and pushed me on my back again. I could feel his tip at my entrance as he positioned himself above me and then slowly entered me. He wanted to be gentle, even with his whole body trembling from lust but I simply grabbed his hips and pushed him deeper into myself. We moaned in unison once he was fully inside, me feeling him filling me completely and him, enjoying the tightness of my wet pussy enveloping him. He thrusted his hips a few times slowly, experimentally and we soon found ourselves completely tangled in each others arms as he started fucking me harder. It felt amazing: his hair tickling my breasts and neck, his mouth kissing me deep, slow and hard while he kept a steady rythym (no wonder, he was a bassist after all). I locked my legs behind his hips and that’s when he started hitting THAT perfect spot inside. I grabbed his ass and he groaned as he sped up, lifting my legs onto his shoulders to change the angle, planting a kiss to the inside of my right knee. He was pounding me deeper now, I could feel him filling me completely with each push and with my legs held higher, I felt more thight for him too. He kissed me again before pulling almost all the way out and entered me again slowly, enjoying the way my eyes rolled back at that. He repeated it a few times before changing the pace again, now fucking me with shallow but even deeper thrusts, licking my nipples and grabbing my waist to keep me in place. He found the magic spot again and it was just too much for my body: I came hard, screaming and clasping around him as I rode out my orgasm. He also moaned with me as he kept pounding slowly, watching my face with a satisfied grin from under his locks. It took me a few moments to come down from the high, shaking with the afterglow but when I did, I was eager to repay the favour: I wrapped my hands around his neck as I sat up with him still buried deep inside me and changed our position, now with me on top. Jase grabbed my hips as I started rocking over him, lifting myself up and then quickly down again, leaning back a bit for more friction. He used his hands to show me when to go faster or slower, and soon his breathing became more and more erratic as he got closer and closer to his own release. He was caressing my tits now with his hands, but he soon became too disoriented to do anything other than hold me in place while he bucked his hips frantically up, and then pull me down as he too toppled over the edge, moaning loudly. I could feel him pulsing between my thighs, spilling his seed. I collapsed on top of him exhaustedly and he let me lean on his chest, caressing my hair as we both struggled to catch our breath.

\- Jase?

\- Hmm?

\- You do realize we just made Big Mick win the bet? – I said as I looked up to him and we just laughed wearily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/monsters-of-rock-music-festival-castle-donington-britain-news-photo/566887185
> 
> [2] Inspired by this rifftape. Listen to the first 3 minutes (Blackened). If you listen closely you can hear James calling Jason a dick and then giving the riff the green light, Kirk encouraging him by saying he’s gonna be great at the studio and Jason just being real excited: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3VW8iIKpJk


	10. Eddie (not the Head)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand here we go with another chapter and with some action!  
> WARNING: this chapter contains attempted rape - if it triggers you, please don't read any further

29.08.1987

After we finally gave in and followed our instincts with Jase, things got even more exciting. Metallica was due for a mini-tour with a few UK dates and 2 shows in West Germany.[1] Everybody was pretty pumped to finally leave home (we would of course quickly regret it after pulling the first all-nighter to finish packing all the shit after a gig) and hit the road again. James was still practicing madly to get back to his usual form after breaking his arm. He jammed non-stop with me and Kirk at home. It was maybe Kirk who needed to get out of SF most: his wedding was planned to take place in December and he was already fed up with all the preparations, which made Becca freak out even more. How on Earth could Kirk not undersand the importance of choosing the right shade of blue for the decoration? Right? As a friend of both parties, I tried to ease the situation - and save the currently non-existent marriage of the two - as much as I can. I even offered Becca to help her with the seating plan and choosing the venue – to my misfurtune, she made me spend most of the week looking at ballrooms which all seemed completely similar, though she swore there was „a big difference” between all. Guess I’m not that great at this wedding stuff – lucky thing I didn’t plan on marrying anyone. By the time we boarded the plane to London, I could easily understad why Kirk wanted to ditch her so much. She made me smoke more weed than I did during the last tour and that was really something…

Jason was eager to unleash his new bass on the European fans. There were other things he couldn’t wait to unleash too. After our little one-on-one, things escalated quickly to the point where we would fuck basically anywhere and everywhere: we did it at his place, at the warehouse, in the ladies’ room at Ruthie’s, in storage rooms before shows, in Kirk’s room when he was in the shower, etc. We were carefree, horny and in our early 20s. We didn’t stop seeing others, but from time to time we would return to each other for more. He would sneak up behind me when I was prepping his instruments to wrap his arms around my waits from behind, giggling in my ear and pulling me flush agains him to make sure I feel how „happy” he was to see me. Then I knew I won’t be finished with my task on time, and I should start looking for the nearest nook where we would be relatively out of sight. Relatively I say – we discovered that the danger of being caught just made fooling around even more exciting. Even with this extra flavour added, we remained pretty low-key (even Big Mick didn’t know he won a small fortune), nothing in our behaviours had changed. The teasing and flirting continued as before, but with the whole crew doing it anyway it was hardly suspicious.

Speaking of the crew, we got ourselves a new rigger which was a first in almost 2 years as far as I knew. The guy – Eddie – seemed OK and did his job well but nothing special. He quickly picked up the vibe and joined into the constant teasing and tricking of each other. He spent the last 4 years on the road with smaller bands, so he fit in and knew how things were when working with a band. If there was one outstanding thing about him it was the way he looked at you: sometimes he would stare like a bird of prey which just spotted its dinner running on a field. Maybe it was just me but it really gave me the chills. Brrr. Sadly I didn’t know how accurate my depiction was until the gig at Nuremberg in August.

\- Jason if you even THINK of hugging me I swear you’re stringing your own basses for the rest of the tour! – I warned the bass boy, hopping towards me happily from the stage, dripping wet from sweat. It was one of the games we (he) liked to play: he would chase me until I had nowhere to hide and then soak me. Asshole.

\- C’mon Em, come here and take the bass. I’ll behave, I pomise – he gave me his best innocent-looking expression with the puppy eyes, taking the instrument from his shoulder. I sighed and cautiously approached him, slowly taking the ESP but eyeing him carefully. He just smiled and watched as I took the bass, and when he was totally sure I wouldn’t drop it he quickly enveloped me in a very strong, very wet hug. I instantly tensed up as I gave out an equally surprised and resigned yelp.

\- God, I hate you so much – I said as he almost crushed my ribs, making sure to soak my shirt properly.

\- No you don’t – he declared happily and released me, grinning. I just shot him a deadly stare as I turned to put down the instrument and go change into a fresh top.

\- This kind of occupational hazard surely calls for a raise, huh? – I wondered pointedly aloud, gesturing at the front of my shirt, totally destroyed by Jase.

\- Yeah, in my pants – he replied and everyone laughed at that. I just rolled my eyes at him and groaned.

\- I’m taking one of your shirts as a consolation prize, dickhead – I added before I disappeared towards the dressing room but he just giggled. I liked Jason very much, but some days I was ready to strangle him with my bare hands. Today was one of those day.

***

I just finished slipping into his faded, old and very-very favourite Motörhead shirt (I chose it on purpose as a nice „fuck you”) when I heard the door open behind me. I was surprised to see Eddie coming in, with a slight smile on his face.

\- Hey Eddie, are you looking for something? – I asked, fully turning towards him. I knew he should not be here in the dressing room.

\- Yeah, actually I was looking for you - he took a few confident steps towards me which instantly made me take a few back until I bumped into one of the dressing tables with those huge mirrors on top.

\- How can I help? - I asked, my voice sounding slightly higher than usual. He was standing too close to me and it made my breath hitch. I was feeling uneasy by his presence.

\- I think you know how you can help me – he lifted his hand and tucked away a stray strand of hair behind my ear and stroked my cheek with the back of his hand. I shiverer at his touch and I could already feel cold sweat gathering on my back.

\- What the fuck, Eddie? We don’t have time to fuck around, c’mon we need to go back to packing – I said and tried to bypass him but he quikly positioned himself to block my way. He was at least 4 inches taller and 20 pounds heavier than me, he could easily stop me.

\- Eddie, let me go this is not funny – I tried shoving him away by his chest but he grabbed my arms and held them.

\- Emmie… was all that teasing just a show? I thought you were being serious at making a pass on me these last weeks – he changed his position and pushed me against the edge of the table, now holding my arms with only one hand, grabbing at my hip with the other. I started panicking.

\- It’s just a stupid game we play with the crew, no one is being serious, you know that – I tried reasoning with him but I could feel he was not taking it. I wriggled my hands to get free but he had a hard grip.

\- What if I AM serious, Em? – he pushed himself completely against me and I could feel the bulge in his pants.

– I just want us to have a good time together - he reached under my fresh shirt with his free hand and I lost it.

\- Eddie let me go NOW! – I wriggled harder this time, with my whole body and he had to use both his hands to keep me in place.

\- Shhhh, don’t be stupid, Em – he got tired of wrestling with me so he simply lifted me and turned me to face the mirror. I could see us clearly now: myself, pale as a sheet, panicked eyes huge from fear, chest rising and falling in a rythym too fast. He was towering over me confidently, muscles tense from holding me down.

\- Everyone’s busy with packing up… there’s no one to hear you from so far… - I hated how casual he sounded, like he did this every day. He held my arms with only one hand again and slipped the other slowly under my shirt to squeeze my boobs, then downwards through my belly, right inside the front of my jeans. I gasped at that and thrashed even more, harder against him as I felt his fingers slipping inside my undies, pressing against my clit.

\- I know you want this too…

\- HELP! SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP! - I cried out as loud as I could but he quickly grabbed my throat forcefully with one hand. I made up even more of a fight now he was smashing my windpipe and had only one arm to hold me but it was futile.

\- I said shut up! If you’re a good girl it will be so much easier for both of us… - he stopped squeezing my neck and grinned at me in the mirror – Already so wet for me… and you say you didn’t mean any of the flirting, you little bitch – he removed his hand from my pants and moved back to caress my boobs and then roughly slammed me down to the table, face forward, ass sticking out. He also twisted one of my hands behind my back, and pinned the other under my chest with my own weigh. I could make a good guess at what he had in mind and hot tears started flowing down my flushed cheeks upon the realisation. I was all too familiar with feeeling helpless, overpowered by a man. Memories of a very similar situation started to roll before my eyes.

\- That’s it, be a good girl for me… it will be over soon I promise… - he said as he unbuttoned my jeans and dragged it down as much as he could. Luckily it was a tight pair and he struggled getting it off me. While he was trying to undress me, I tried moving my arm laying on the table and to my relief, I found I could pull it out from under me. I quickly glanced in the mirror, to check if he saw the movement and looked around for anything I could use against him. My eyes quickly settled on an empty beer bottle what seemed to be within an arm’s reach. Meanwhile Eddie managed to pull down my pants enough to start peeling off my undies too and that gave me a sudden rush of adrenaline and courage which was just enough to make me quickly grab the bottle and hit him in the head. I aimned for his temple as James thought me and though I could not hit him too hard from this angle, the sudden pain distracted him enoung to release me for a second, and that was all I needed. This was my chance to get myself free of him.

I turned and pushed him back as hard as I could; I don’t think he was prepared for such a violent offensive because he staggered backwards and nearly landed on his ass. I pulled up my pants quickly and ran for the door, avoiding Eddie who regained his balance too quickly and grabbed my arm as I passed him. I twisted my arm to get him off me but he got a good hold on me, and shoved me up against the wall.

\- Stay put or I’ll fuckin’n break your arm before I rape you – he sneered, clutching my arm as he twised it until I could feel the joints crack and groaned painfully. He was all over me again, kissing, licking my neck as I tried to push him away. I could hear fabric being teared as he grabbed the neck of the shirt I was wearing and tore the front to get himself better access to my cleveage.

\- Let me go, letme go PLEASE lemmegoooo!!! – I begged him as a last resort, sobbing, gasping, breathing so fast I pracically hyperventillated. I fucked up my only chance and now I was going to get held down and violated because I was simply too small and weak to resist and there was no one near enough to hear me shouting for help. And there was no prince charming coming to rescue me now.

Or was there?

As Eddie was making solid work in pulling down my pants again, I could hear footsteps approaching. He didn’t seem to realize it as he buried his head between my boobs and reached into my pants again, now slipping a fingertip inside me. I started thrashing hard again, shouting desperately, praying silently that the person passing the door would hear me.

\- Help, HEEELP!! – that was all I could get out before I felt a palm on my head, and then my skull collided hard with the wall, the force of it paralyzing me for a second. I could barely make out Jason entering the room and freezing in place. He must have said something as his mouth was moving but I couldn’t hear him over the ringing in my ear.

\- Let her go, MOTHERFUCKER!!! – he bellowed as he rushed forward and grabbed Eddie by the hand he held me with, tearing him off me. My abuser raised his arms defensively but Jason just punched him in the face so hard even I could hear the loud crack as his nose broke.

\- Get the fuck out of here, you piece of shit!!! – Jason kicked him in the back before Eddie hastily left, holding his hand to his now bleeding nose. If he had any common sense he would get out of the venue before the rest of the crew heard about what just happened.

I’d never been happier to see Jase. My world was still spinning from the hit on my head, and I was so freaked it was very hard to breathe. I was hyperventillating, and black spots started to swim before my eyes as I slowly reached down and tried pulling my pants back up. My whole body was trembing violently from the mixtue of adrenaline, fear, relief and everything in between. I leaned heavily against the wall and smeared some of the tears rolling down my face.

Jason approached me slowly, arms held up with palms facing outside, as if he was approaching a frightened animal in the woods, not wanting to spook it.

\- Is it OK if I touch you? – he asked softly, looking right into my hazy eyes. I couldn’t get myself to speak, still panting hard so I tried nodding and hoped he could make it out with me shaking like a leaf. I was still trying to button my pants but my hands didn’t seem to be working and I groaned angrily. Jason slowly put his hands on mine and held them still, moving them away so he could deal with the button. My legs gave out on me right when he was done and I started sliding down to the floor.

\- Em, look at me… look at me – he said and God knows I really tried but those little black bastards started to eat up more and more of my vision. I knew I was going to pass out if I didn’t calm down some but I was still too panicked.

\- I… I ca… an’t b… reathe – I tried to say as he took my hands in his, kneeling in front of me. I was probably squeezing his hands too hard because I could see my knuckles whitening from the pressure.

\- Can you tell me tonight’s setlist? – he asked in a calm, soothing voice, looking at me intently. I frowned at him.

\- We got on stage while The Ecstasy of God was playing and…? – he stroked the back of my cold fingers with his thumb.

\- Cree… Creeping Dea… - I stuttered with great difficulty.

\- Good, what was next?

\- Seek… and Des…

\- You’re doing great, Em. And then…? – by the time we got to the encore my breathing got somewhat steadier (or al least the black spots disappeared) and I was able to get more air in my lungs. The shaking got better too, but I was still crying silently.

\- Better? – Jase asked as he carefully cupped my cheeks and I nodded.

\- Should I go and find James for you? – he wanted to move his hands away but I grabbed him harder, meaning to show I didn’t want him to leave. He didn’t have to; the door flew open and in walked my boys, laughing loudly at something. Their good mood dissolved instantly as they spotted me, slumped against the wall, with Jason comforting me.

\- What the hell happened here? – James asked as he got on his knees next to Jase, alarmed.

\- Jamie… - I stammered as the tears started flowing harder again.

\- It almost happened again… he wanted to… - I faltered and just launched myself at him, shaking and weeping loudly in his arms. He just held me steadily, exchanging confused looks with Jason who told him quietly how he found me in here with Eddie. I could feel his arms straightening and relaxing again as he tried to remain calm and not go after Eddie and kill him on the spot.

\- It’s OK Princess, I’m here... I got you, you’re safe. You’re safe now, baby – he wispered as he kissed the top of my head and just held me as I cried.

Jason wisely ushered off the others to give us some space.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTPIE0u-zMg&t=197s


	11. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey there folks, another chapter for you with a big confession and some cuddling.  
> My previous warning is still in place: the chapter contains rape flashbacks.

The following day

I spent the night at James’s room, curled up on his bed with him hugging me. I tried to fall asleep but even with the heaviest sleeping pills on hand, it always slipped from me and when I did, I kept having nightmares and woke up gasping for air. I kept feeling Eddie’s hands on me, grasping me hard, fingers slipping into my undies. James tried his best to make me relax. He kept me close to him, assuring me repeatedly that I am safe, and he won’t let anything bad happen to me again. He’d always been a quiet and close kid so comforting others was not exactly his forte but he was one of my my best friends and we’ve been through a lot together, and eventually him and the emotional exhaustion made me fall into a dreamless slumber.

I spent most of the next day in my room. James told the others that I needed some time alone and I was not to be disturbed unless I asked for company. I was grateful because I was not ready to meet anyone just yet. Truth is I couldn’t decide if I wanted anyone near me or not.

After returning to my room in the morning I tried sleeping back again but I couldn’t so I got up and took a shower. Baaad move, Em. I washed my hair twice but it still felt dirty to me, so I washed it again and again. I scrubbed my skin so hard it was red and felt raw by the time the tiny bottle of hotel shower gel ran out. I wanted to rub away the memories of what almost happened to me so much I rubbed away my own skin. I spent almost an hour in the bathroom, sitting under the hot water, sniffling softly. I emerged still smelling Eddie on me but I knew it was nothing physical.

I switched on the TV to break the uncomfortable silence slowly suffocating me and just sat on my bed staring into nothingness, trying to cope with the fact I almost got raped. If it wasn’t for Jason… who knows what more could have happened if he didn’t come to change at that exact moment he did. He didn’t know it was not my first time, though he asked about the accident what made me move to SF a few times. I'd always found some excuse not the tell him what happened but since we were regularly doing bedroom gymnastics together, there was some pressure on me to tell him. I felt the urge to confess not just because we fucked but also because he was my friend, but at the same time I was afraid of his reaction and how it would affect our relationship. Even with being real friends, I couldn't see a way things would remain the same between us and to be frank I didn’t want to lose him, or him to think of me in a different way just because what happened to me 2 years ago.

The band had a day off and they went off to look around in the city but James stayed in case I needed him. He checked on me in the afternoon and brought some food. I was really not that hungry but he insisted I took at least a few bites. He told me Kirk found out Eddie left right after Jason kicked him out and he did not return to the hotel, but his ticket had been changed to an earlier flight. He asked me if I wanted to press charges but I just shrugged. We went through this before and one time was more than enough. I just wanted never to see that asshole again.

James left and he took some of my anxiety with him. It felt good to talk to him a bit and I felt less bitter. The afternoon rolled by slowly, and I tried busying myself by emptying my shit from my travelbag and reorganizing it. I focused on this simple task so hard the hesitant rap on my door gave me a jump. I thought about simply not answering it but then I decided I could at least see who it was.

To my pleasant surpirse, I found Jason standing in the hallway, smiling when I finally opened the door.

\- Hey, Em! I just wanted to check how you’re feeling but I can come back later if you’re still not taking visitors…? – he offered, ever so thoughtful, picking at the hem of his shirt awkwardly.

\- It’s OK, I think we should talk anyway… - I said opening the door more so he could come in. He stepped in and hugged me carefully, planting a kiss on my left cheek. It felt good, felt safe to have him here so I hugged him back.

\- Drink? – I asked as I released him and walked towards the couch by the window. He shook his head as he followed me and plopped down.

\- I’ll drink if you don’t mind. You know, for moral support – I fished a bottle of liquor out of the fridge and poured a generous amount for myself.

\- You sure you’re OK with me here? You seem upset – he asked with his brows furrowed, a concerned look in his eyes.

\- I’ll be fine Jase, really. I just want to tell you something what’s not easy for me to talk about – I sat down next to Jason, turning myself towards him, one leg bent under me, my other foot leaning on the carpet. I took a deap breath, sipped from my glass and shaked my hair out of my face, settling my eyes on him. He eyed me with an intrigued look.

\- First of all I want to thank you for saving me from him. I don’t know what exacly he had in mind when he approached me but I am just glad you were there to stop him. I owe you, big time.

\- Oh please don’t, there’s no need for this Em, really… - he shook his head, his fluffy hair flying all around his head – I’m just happy I went to the dressing room when I did and heard you. When I saw him all over you I just lost it… I should have hit him harder, fuck, I should have chased that son of a bitch down and beat he crap out of him – his hands closed into fists as he said this, clearly regretting letting Eddie go so easily.

\- That would have only made matters worse I think. I’m okay with him just leaving – I touched his closed right fist with my free hand and he opened it slowly, letting me hold his hand in mine.

\- And I’m so grateful you stayed to take care of me… you were just what I needed, right when I needed it most – a ghost of a smile played at my lips as I looked into his blue eyes – Where the hell did you learn grounding?

\- My sister used to have panic attacks in confined spaces when she was little, after she got stuck in an elevator – he explained – She freaked out on me a few times, so I learned quickly that having her recite the National Anthem helps her to focus - he grinned at me with those stupid, cute dimples and just seeing him smile made me feel a bit better.

\- Anyway, what I’m trying to say is thanks for helping me. I was more panicked than I should have been…

\- You just got jumped by a guy twice your size, anyone would have been panicked - he chiped in but I cut him off.

\- …because it was not the first time someone tried to do this to me – I finished and he just stared at me, dumbfounded, mouth hanging open. It would have been comical if I weren’t that nervous. I took another, deeper sip, giving him a moment to process the information. I could practically see the gears turning in his head: the story I never elaborated on, the accident serious enough to make me move hundreds of miles away from home, and he probably heard me say „again” when James found us… then it all clicked, and he took a sharp breath as the pieces of the puzzle all fell into the right place. I squeezed his hand reassuringly as he tried to wrap his head around what he just heard.

\- It happened a little more than 2 years ago. I was 21 at the time, living with my boyfriend, Tony. We were highschool sweethearts and had been dating for years. He was a nice guy, or so I thought until we moved in together – I sipped at my drink again before continuing with a wobbly voice. Jase just sat there silently, holding my hand and staring at me with wide eyes. Now or never, Em.

\- He was always a bit jealous but it got to a ridiculous level after I moved in. He got angry whenever I was meeting with a friend who happened to be a guy. I always told him he had nothing to worry about and gave him no reason at all not to trust me. I really loved him, you see, but he couldn’t stop feeling overprotective.

\- It was early May in ’85. James had already been living in SF for a few years, but whenever they played near L. A. or he came home to visit his siblings we met. Tony never liked how close we were, but this time he outright forbid me to go and see him. I told him there was no way I wasn’t meeting James that evening and we got into this huge fight. I mean the really huge, plate-shattering type of fight where you’re so done with the other’s shit you remind him of every tiny mistake and annoying thing he did until then. As you can imagine, we both riled up ourselves so much I just grabbed my car keys and turned to leave when I felt a sharp pain and the word just went black.

Jase continued to listen to my story in silence, now with an unreadable expression on his face.

\- I woke up in the bedroom, tied to the bedpost – I finished my booze with one large gulp as I shivered at the memory.

\- Tony was there too, shirtless, talking to himself. He was convincing himself it was for the best, and for my own good if he kept me restrained so nothing bad could happen to me. I guess by „bad” he meant me running off with another dude but of course he didn’t elaborate on that. Psychopaths rarely do.

_Baby I’m so gald you woke up, I was so worried about you… - I could feel his fingers running up my thigh as he sat next to me._

_I tried to sit up, supressing the terrible headache I had but I found I couldn’t because my hands were fixed above my head. I tugged at my arms, secured to the bedpost with a rope._

_\- Tony what the fuck is this? Release me!!_

_\- I want to, I do but you would make something stupid… - he stroked my arms and my face slowly as he leaned down to kiss me. I didn’t respond, just passively endured it._

_\- I want to keep you safe here with me, baby… I love you so much Em… I know you love me too… - he kissed my neck and I tugged at the rope harder, trying to get free._

_\- Tony release me now! – I demanded as he moved to button down the summer dress I was wearing._

_\- I can’t do that baby, you would leave and I couldn’t take that… I just want to show you how much I love you so you will never want to leave… - he was done with the buttons at the front and was getting off my bra. I froze at the thought of what was about to happen next._

_\- Let me go now!! – I started thrashing around, trying to kick him but he quickly held me down, covering me with kisses._

_\- Get off me, Tony!!!_

_\- But I love you… - with that he shoved a piece of cloth in my mouth to shut me up. It muffled the loud screaming which would have waked the neighbours within a 10 mile radius._

_\- I’m so sorry I know it’s uncomfortable… let me take care of you, babe… I won’t hurt you I promise… - he unbuckled his belt and I shrieked louder, kicking around wildly. He quickly lifted my skirt, ripped my panties and positioned himself between my legs._

_\- Shhh, relax sweetie, I just want to love you the way you like it… - he repeated, more to convince himself than me as he entered me in one swift thrust. Tears gathered in my eyes from the pain and I cried out into the gag while my body tensed. Tony started fucking me with deep, hard thrusts which hurt like hell. My body was nowhere near ready to take him and I stretched painfully, trying to accommodate his girth and length. He sucked on one of my nipples as he continued pounding into me and I just laid there crying silently, taking it. Time seemed to slow down around us as he was grunting above me, whispering sweet nonsense into my ear as he raped me. He came with a loud moand and I felt him empyting his load inside me, dripping to the sheets after he pulled out._

_\- Don’t cry, babe, I know you love me too…_

\- He raped me twice while I just laid there, gagged, unable to do anything to defend myself – I angrily smeared a tear away with my palm which escaped from my eye. – He actually thought if he showed me how much he loved me and cared for me everything would magically be OK again between us.

\- James… he came looking for me as I didn’t show up at the agreed time. He knew where we lived and he figured something must be wrong as I never bailed on him, at least not without notice. He was the one who found me after Tony didn’t want to let him in and he got suspicious. He had to knock him out first to get into the house. He untied me and took me to the police station to make a statement. There was a hearing and I ended up wth a restraining order and Tony got locked up for 6 months.

_\- Princess, can you hear me? Em? – I came round to James’ voice calling me. He removed the gag and was untying my arms and I grabbed at him as soon as I could move my hands, holding on tightly as I shook from crying hard._

_\- Jamie... how did you…?_

_\- I was worried when you didn’t show and I came looking for you. Tony didn’t want to let me in… - he held me carefully, mindful not to grasp me too hard. He carefully avoided looking at my bare chest, and I tried covering myself on instinct._

_\- Can you get up? Let’s get you out of here._

_\- He… he… - I started as I sobbed but he shushed me._

_\- He can’t hurt you again, I made sure of that. You’re safe now, you’re safe with me – he said as he got me in his arms and carried me outside._

\- I moved in with him and the boys 2 days later and became Cliff’s bass roadie a week after that, when I couldn’t find a proper job – I finished, looking up from my lap where I kept my eyes during most of the story.

Jason was silent for a long time, contemplating everything he just heard. I had a hard time remaining silent so I kept fidgeting with anything I could get my hands on: I rolled the glass between my hands, I picked non-visible fluffs from the couch, I chewed on my lips, whatever it took to get my mind off of how fast my heart was beating. I was afraid of how Jase was gonna react after learning what happened to me.

-Why didn’t you tell me? – he finally asked with wary eyes – Oh my God, and I pinned you down when… I’m such a dick – he blurted out right after and I had to grasp him with both hands now to make him focus on me again.

\- You didn’t know. I haven’t told you because I was afraid how you would react. I didn’t want you to see me as a victim, and I was afraid you wouldn’t want me after… that you would think I’m damaged or something… - I averted my eyes with embarrassment quickly but he grabbed my chin and turned my flushed face towards his.

\- Emilia, you have nothing to worry about. It was incredibly brave of you to tell me all this – he nodded reassuringly as he locked eyes with me. He had so much emotion glimmering in his I thought he was going to cry too.

\- I think you’re one of the sweetest, most caring, coolest human beings I have met and there is nothing that could change that – he pulled me in for a hug and kissed the top of my head.

\- Nothing’s changed betwen us. You’re one of my best friends and I don’ think any less of you because someone hurt you. I just wish you’d told me sooner, I would’ve been much more careful around you... do you want me to stop with all the banter and the lewd comments? – he ran his hand up and down my back as I released the breath I didn’t know I was holding until then.

\- No I’m not that fragile… and it wouldn’t be like you if you didn’t tease me every now and then. And I like you just how you are, jests included – I told him, resting my head on his shoulder as he just held me, twisting the ends of my locks with his fingers. I loved it when he played with my hair, it soothed me so he probably did it on purpose.

\- That’s reassuring – he replied jokingly, squinting at me, clearly to ease the tension a bit. It worked.

\- After I moved from Downey I decided not to have a big commitment again. I know it may sound stupid, but we practically grew up together with Tony and I never would have guessed he was capable of something like this… and if I was unable to see this side of him for years, how could I trust a complete stranger? I only had one-night stands ever since. With a few more-than-one-night exceptions – I added as I snuggled deeper inside his arms, oblivious of the pang of pain flashing through his face as he heard what I just said. I couldn’t feel it from outside, but that precious, golden heart of Jason’s just got a bit heavier by these words.

We spent the rest of the afternoon together, just chatting about music until Kirk came to see me, and share the giant box of ice cream he brought.

I knew I had the best friends in the world.


	12. So let it be written

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, just a short chapter with Jason and his dad chatting on the phone.  
> The chapter is safe to read, no warnings! :)

1987.08.31.

\- Hello? – the eldest Mr. Newsted asked as he picked up the phone. Who on Earth would call this early in the morning?

\- Dad, it’s me, Jason. Guess where I’m calling from! – Jase asked excitedly at the other end of the line. He just finished unpacking at his hotel room and was ready to spend the next few hours on his own after travelling all day.

\- Jason, it’s good to hear from you son. Where are you? Still in England? – Mr. Newsted adjusted his glasses (a family trait) as he closed the kitchen door not to wake his wife and daughter.

\- Oh we’re done with the UK, I’m calling from West Germany! Can you imagine? – he giggled.

\- I am just as amused as you are, son – the older man smiled and moved the received to his other ear to be able to sip from his coffee mug more comfortably.

\- How are you? How’s the tour going?

\- It’s been great so far, the crowds in Europe are always so different than at home. They are much wilder, I suppose because they don’t really have many bigger bands as heavy as us playing here. They are nice up close though, all cool at the signing sessions. I can’t wait to see how tonight’s gonna be; we just arrived to the hotel and I still have roughly 2 hours until the first interview so I thought I would check in with you – Jason laid back on his bed, removing his shoes first because despite to popular belief, he was in fact NOT raised in a barn as he started telling his dad about the tour. They played a surprise gig in London before Doningon at a club so small people tripped over to the stage where there was barely enough space for the 4 of them in the first place. It was hot like hell too, and by the time they started playing the walls were sweating with condensation and the lights went out 2 times during the show. Sadly the Donington show was pretty forgettable as they could not compete with Bon Jovi’s grand entry by helicopter – effectively muting Metallica (Metallica!) for a good few minutes during their set. There was a reason behind James appearing at the following photoshoot with his guitar written „Kill Bon Jovi” on its front. But at least Leper Messiah debuted live, as well as a few covers from Garage Days Re-Revisited.

\- … so yeah, it was pretty funny with the photographer desperately trying to hide James behind one of us but he kept getting to the front with that deathstare of his – he finished as his dad just hummed on the other side. He was glad Jason was happy, but he was also concerned for his son as he knew how difficult the beginning had been for him.

\- How are things with the others? Are they still that mean to you?

\- Well…. they are still ugly when they want to be, but it’s gotten better – Jason was quick to reassure him.

\- They’re still pulling shitloads of pranks on me but it’s not as harsh as it used to be. I think once they started getting to know me they realized I’m not that bad – he giggled.

\- And Em was also a great help, she talked to James and the others; she’s probably the only person the guys really listen to. She’s like a fairy godmother to us all, always nice and easy-going but when you’re doing something she doesn’t like she will kick your ass. Even James is afraid of her when she’s mad.

\- She ’s the one taking care of your basses, right? – Mr. Newsted chimed in, trying to match the name to what he’d heard from Jason when he joined the band.

-Yeah, she’s awesome, really knows the gear and not afraid to experiment with new things – Jason didn’t even notice how his lips widened to a bright smile while telling his dad about Em.

\- That’s a good thing I assume – Mr. Newsted agreed, before changing the subject.

\- Are there any other ladies you are interested in? – he threw the question in casually and he could hear Jason gasp at the other end of the line. He could vividly imagine his son sitting up straighter, cringing and hiding his face under all that hair.

\- Dad! How can you even ask something like this?! – he protested loudly.

\- Alright, alright I just thought I would ask! Ever since Greg’s son had been born your mother's been nugging him about a second grandkid.

\- Jeez Dad, I'm only 24! I am a bit too young for that, don’t you think?

\- Try telling that to her! – the older man laughed, amused – She was already heartbroken when you left, if you don’t plan on giving her at least one grandchild you won’t hear the end of it… „Jason Curtis Newsted, why couldn’t you find a proper girl and settle down?” - he went on in a high-piched voice, imitating his wife.

\- Well… then I’m fucked – Jason simply replied after a moment of silence – Though there is a girl…. – he added a bit later, hesitantly, as if not being sure if he wanted to share this with his father.

\- Oh?

\- She’s georgeous… really into music, she plays bass too and we get on really well – he didn’t want to mention too many details, otherwise Mr. Newsted would quickly put two and two together. Jason didn’t want him to know who he was talking about just yet. Sadly, Jason didn’t realize how transparent he was to the man who raised him.

\- Then what are you waiting for, son? – he asked, a bit perplexed. Back in his days of carefeee adolescence, a man would step up and confess his feelings to the fairer sex, simple as that.

\- It’s complicated… - he could hear a heavy sigh from his son as he explained the situaton - She doesn’t want to commit herself to a relationship. She had a terrible experience in the past and it’s been hard for her to really trust anyone since then. She decided not to get engaged in a serious relationship again to protect herself.

\- That’s a hard one indeed – the older man clicked his tounge as he emptied the mug – But have faith, son. If you are really on the same page so much, maybe she will come to trust you if you show her you can be trusted. It will be hard work if what you say is true, but if you like her as much as you say, eventually she will see it too.

\- But what if she doesn’t like me that much? Or she is too afraid to be with me? – Jason exclaimed exasperatedly, twisting the phone cord around his fist.

\- I know it is not what you would like, but that is also a possibility you need to consider – Mr. Neswsted explained calmly. The situation was quite new for him; Jason never needed much encouragement to approach the girls in high school. This current hesitation was very uncharacteristic of him, and it clearly showed how serious he was about this girl he mentioned.

\- Whatever happens, you will at least see clearly. The both of you. And you can always remain just good friends. But if she feels the same connecion, maybe she will change her mind for you. You know how women are, they can say one thing and do the exact opposite the next day! – Mr. Newsted was trying to ease the helplessness of his youngest son with humor.

\- Whatever… - said son just shrugged, crestfallen.

\- If it is written for you, you will win her over. If not, it was not meant to be and you can move on. Either way, at least you can say you tried.

Jason just hummed, but a silent determination was formed by these words.

How did the line go? „So let it be written …”


	13. To Live Is To Die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there, just a short one to commemorate the 34th trip around the Sun without one of the most remarkable bassits of all times. People tend to argue who was better: Cliff or Jason, but I like them both. They are both unique in their own way!
> 
> Also, since it's such a tiny chapter I am giving you two new ones - that's right, baby! ;)

27.09.1987.

\- … and he just stood there, beer in hand, with only slippers on, waving at the receptionist with the straw hat before putting it back in front of his junk as the elevator closed… it was fuckin’ epic!!! – I was laughing so hard I had to hold on to James’ arm to keep myself from rolling over. Kirk was wiping tears of laughter out of his eyes, too before flipping to the next page of the photo album in the middle which was chock-full of polaroids of Cliff and the band.

\- Man, it fuckin’ sucks I was not there to see this – I said, cracking open another beer as the last of our laughs died down.

It was the first anniversary – sorry, fuckaversary as Lars called it – of losing Cliff. We all knew that none of us was gonna survive the day alone, so we decided to spend it remembering together. We started off by going over for lunch to Cliff’s parents, Ray and Jan – it was so sweet how they were still looking out for us, especially Ray. They were and will always be a part of the Metallica family and we met with them regularly. They also came down to the warehouse to welcome Jason when he was chosen, and even let him use some of Cliff’s guitars and amps for a while. The invite for lunch was addressed to the whole band, but I think Jase knew we needed to be just us when he politely declined. To be honest I feared this day, thinking it would be a somber event but it was anything but: we shared a good meal with the family (God bless Jan and her great cooking!), said our toasts and listened to the childhood stories they told about their youngest. It was so comforting to be welcomed and understood, to be among people sharing the same grief and longing after someone who can’t be brought back from the other side of the veil.

Of course we all knew polite conversation and a few beers won’t be enough, so we said our goodbies and came home to remember our way. We all piled together on the carpet with a crate of beer and bottles of Jägermeister, gathering around the photo albums Lars brought over. There were pictures as early as ’82, when I was nowhere near the band so the boys had to tell many, many stories I have not heard yet. Lars was a real hoarder and he had picures of literally everything: gigs of course, rehearsals, casual shit on the road and at home, and of course pranks, ’course it wouldn’t be Metallica if they hadn’t pranked the shit out of each other. By the time we got to the end of them – sometime around early morning – my heart was filled with this bittersweet, sticky mixture of nostalgia, hurt, emptiness and some sort of silent resignation. It was still hard to believe that Cliff was just… gone. He was such a joyful person who enjoyed life to the fullest.

\- I fuckin miss him – came a heavy sigh from James, breaking the silence. I ran my hand through his back for some confort. They were much closer than any of us and I knew losing Cliff hit James the hardest. Based on the massive amount of alcohol he consumed today and the telltale glimmer in his eyes, Cliff’s death left a greater void in his soul to fill than in the rest of us’ and it was still an aching, bleeding, fresh gash even after a year.

\- We all do… he was like a brother to us all – Kirk added, face crumpling as he was trying to hold back his sorrow.

\- Yeah… a cool older brother who would let you have some of his weed & booze when Mommy and Daddy weren’t looking – I chimed in and we all smiled at the thought.

\- I bet he’s looking down on us wherewer he is, hitting a celestial bong, laughing his ass of at what a miserable bunch of fuckers we are – came Lars’ heavily accented voice from the other side of the photo album - it always became thicker when he got emotional. Silence settled in after he spoke as we all thought about Cliff for a time. I remembered out first gig together, how nice he was even when we fucked up backstage and his bass went out mid-gig. Kirk and Lars were surely thinking about that time they got lost in Italy, got royally drunk and ended up banging some hot chicks without speaking a word (the language barrier was just too high to climb, you see). James was probably thinking of their last camping trip when they spent the whole night chilling outside their tent, stargazing and discussing life and all kinds of shit.

\- To Cliff – he said, raising the glass he nursed – Rest in peace, brother!


	14. White wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy guys, it's time for Kirk to get married!

December, 1987

\- Almost done… annnnd there, go check – I soothed down the tie I just knotted for James and ushered him in front of the mirror so he can check my work in it. I knew he probably gonna get it off the first chance he gets but at least it had a properly tied knot until then.

\- Not bad, Princess. You are really good at this – he said, impressed.

\- Who do you think tied Dad’s for the last 15 years? – I grinned and left to open the door for whoever was knocking. Kirk was already at the venue (partly because he was always late and Becca would gut him if he were late from his own wedding) and Lars still hadn’t showed up so it was either him or Jason. Based on the fact that I could only see a huge mop of hair instead of a face when I peeked through the peephole, my money was on Jase.

\- Hey Em! – I got greeted with the signature, dimpled-face smile of Jason as I opened up. He gave me a thorough once-over and I could see his eyes widen a bit at the sight of me, all dressed up for the big day. He didn’t take dressing up so seriously as I did: he was wearing blue jeans, a white button down shirt and a brown jacket. To cite a classic, he was not exactly Dressed to Kill.[1]

\- You look… like a girl – he said confused and I scoffed.

\- Damn, you know how to get into a girl’s pants – I said as I crossed my arms with an amused expression.

\- Shit, I mean… you look nice. You look like my Mom – he tried again. I was wearing a ’50s style dress so I got nothing against the Mom reference but it was still not what I hoped to hear. Still, it was just so typically Jason I just said „thanks” and rolled my eyes at him, smiling. Jason briefly wondered if it was really him who won a state public speaking competition at the age of 12.

\- Does that mean we are maintaining an incestuous relationship? – I whispered to him, biting my lower lip slowly just to mess with him.

\- I hope not – he grinned as he stepped in, sweeped the room with a quick glance aroud and kissed me. I leaned into the kiss as he deepened it and grabbed my ass with his hands.

\- You look beautiful. See, I can’t keep my hands off you when you’re wearing this dress – he said softly, looking deep into my eyes.

\- Better, but you should be careful when Daddy’s home, otherwise I can’t guarantee you’re leaving in one piece – I grabbed his hands and got them off my backside before a certain blonde someone walked in on us and freaked. Since Eddie, he took his promise to keep me safe very seriously and barked at every single dude I got even remotely friendly with. Seeing me with Jason’s hands on my ass would totally set him off even more.

\- Okay Mom – he nodded with a cheeky grin and went off to say hi to James.

***

After we got home from Europe, things were strange for a while. First everyone was tiptoeing around me so much it made me maaad. It was very considerate of them to avoid mentioning Eddie, the groupies they did and sex in general but the more careful they acted around me, the more uneasy I felt myself. I wanted them to be just their normal selves, including their kinky stories from last night and clippings from the latest issue of Busty magazine covering everything, but the more they isolated me from these thing the more I felt like the past atrocity was ruling my present. It got so annoying that I just simply crawled up on one of the crates when we unoaded all the shit at the warehouse and made a makeshift speech to the crew. I told them to stop treading so lightly and just act as usual otherwise I was gonna start to kick some ass. They laughed at me first, but seeing how upset I was they gave in and life was good again. They all hugged me and promised to look out for me more which almost made my eyes wet.

I still had the chills sometimes when I thought about Eddie and what could have happened, but James and my boys made it easier for me to get back on track – it was nothing serious, just a few smiles, occasional surprise hugs and shit like that but it made me feel more at ease. It also helped that Becca practically forced the remaining wedding-tasks on us so we hardly had ANY time to do anything else than to fold napkins, paper cranes and iron our Sunday best (guess who did that for Metallica - yep, it was me). While we were away in Europe, she and her mom arranged most of the important things: they booked a splendid venue with a view over the bay, found a band (though Kirk wished they didn’t) and most importantly narrowed down THE choice to 5 dresses. There was still much to do but with a team effort, we managed to cross the last item on our list by the time December arrived.

And here we were, all dressed up and on our way to Kirk’s wedding! I was so happy for him and Becca I sang every song which came on the radio during the drive. My good mood was obviously infectious because not only Jason, but James and Lars joined me too with backing vocals. We must have looked funny in my run-down, crappy car wearing out best outfits and shouting but anyone who didn’t like it could go suck a dick. To my surprise, we arrived to the venue not just in time but even a bit early, even with being silly through the whole trip. Everyone was eager to get out of the car and into the place where booze flowed free and probably all the single chicks were already getting tipsy but I still had some things to say before I could let my boys go.

\- Okay dipshits, listen up – I raised a finger at them to emphasize my point.

\- Today’s about Kirk and I want it to be perfect, so I would appreciate if you kept in mind the following: 1. No pranks, 2. No destroying the cake, 3. No hitting on the bridesmaids until the ceremony is over, 4. No hitting on Becca’s mom either, 5. Absolutely no ralphing or pissing in public, regardless of the hour – I checked down my points on my fingers before giving them a sharp look.

\- Savvy? - they murmured their half-hearted agreements in unison.

\- Cool. Now get the fuck out of my car and have fun! – I shooed them off and all 3 of them left faster than lightning.

I took my time in following them because as soon as I got out of the car, I was stunned by the place dressed in festive decoration. Becca chose an old, Victorian-style inn as venue and it looked like a fairy tale. It was sitting on one of the tops of the many hills and cliffs surrounding the bay. The bulding itself was painted white and light blue, but you could see it pealing off here and there, giving the inn a rustic look. The terrace, and all the edges of the front were derorated with green garlands peppered with small, white flowers. There were lanterns on the rails, and next to the entrance.

Man, maybe I was wrong not wanting to marry anyone because I was totally jealous now.

After standing at the front for half an eternity, I finally entered and went looking for my room. I could see other guests looking for their place too – many of them were old friends, like Scott Ian but most of them were unknown to me. I got a lovely little room in the attic and I ditched my bag (It stood out like a sore thumb with all the patches on it, surrounded by doilies and dried flowers everywhere) and went looking for Kirk and Becca.

Whatever fear I had of a last-minute catastrophe ruining the day, it was completely unnecessary because by some miracle, it all went exactly as planed. Kirk was nervous but happy; Becca was gorgeous in her huge white dress; the ceremony was heartfelt, simple and the vows were so sincere and beautiful they made even me cry a bit. I knew it was just what Becca wanted and I was glad it went through without a fault, even James and the others behaved themselves until the dinner. After dinner, it was time to have fun – meaning everyone getting properly wasted, including myself. Jason and Kirk were sitting on one of the couches placed in the garden for the event. James was snuggling up to one of the girls Becca invited from her highschool class. I myself was having the time of my life: I sang 2 songs with the band and was now dancing with Lars. The little gremlin was quick on his feet and he was really good, I had difficulty to follow his lead – but maybe that was from all the punch I’d drunk… yeah, probably that.

I was so preoccupied I couldn’t see Jason’s longing gaze watching us intently. He seemed happy and was good-mannered all night, making polite conversation with relatives and keeping the others from doing something crazy as time went on. There must had been someting going on because he’d been sitting on the same couch for the last hour in silence, beer in hand, glancing towards me from time to time.

\- Man, you have it bad for her – he was so lost in his thoughts he jumped, startled by Kirk’s comment. The freshly announced husband just smiled at him kind-heartedly, following Jason’s gaze.

\- Is it that obvious? – the bassist asked, dropping his head, sounding defeated.

\- I know you Jase, so it is to me – the older man snickered as he sat closer to Jason, who raised his head and sighed.

\- Fuck – was his only comment before taking a swig of his beer. It was warm and he grimaced as it went down.

\- Why don’t you just tell her, dude? You two’ve been fooling around for a while now, so she obviously likes you – Kirk bumped his shoulder agains Jason’s who snapped his head to Kirk’s direction, surprised.

\- How do you know we’ve been fooling around?

\- C’mon, it’s so obvious it hurts. Besides, I found one of her undies under a kitchen cabinet after you came over to jam, and she’s not the type who just leaves her lingerie lying around so don’t even try suggesting it crawled there on its own – he grinned and then switched to a more serious expression.

\- Really, just tell her. I’m sure she sees something in you, too.

\- Uhhmm… I don’t know, man… you know how she is with relationships and shit – Jase started to peel the label off his glass as he replied.

\- I don’t want her to feel forced into something she doesn’t truly want just to please me… but I don’t want to get turned down either. I like how we are now and don’t want to lose her just because I wanted more and she didn’t – he explained, all caution thrown into the wind. He knew he was likely gonna regret being so sincere about his feelings soon, when Kirk tells the others and he could already see some sort of emotional test or other shitstorm coming. He earned some respect from the others and most of the harsh hazing was over, but he was still at the butt end of so many pranks and other crap he had a hard time enduring it. Emilia was one of the things he considered worth ploughing it through for, and he wanted nothing more than his feelings to be reciprocated. What he did not want was being ridiculed for having them, or Lars to open that Grand Canyon-sized mouth of his and spill the beans to Em.

\- Dude, have you met her? If you can force anything on that woman she doesn’t want, you’re a freakin’ wizard. Look at it like this: if she wants to get together too, you can be sure she means it. Anyway, I wouldn’t worry too much if I were you. I can see she really likes you besides having the hots for you – Jason’s smile brightened at that as he looked at Kirk again.

\- You think so?

\- Totally.

\- Since when are you such an expert on romantic relatonships?

\- Since I’m MARRIED, duh – Kirk just laughed and that made Jason laugh too. He may be a founding member of the Rough-the-Newkid-up Club but since Japan, Kirk became a friend to Jason. They spent days just jamming together, listening to each other’s old tapes and favourites, trying to make their own versions of the songs. He still got some nasty comments from the guitarist when the others were around, but if Jason wanted to be frank, Kirk was actually pretty nice to him when it was just the two of them.

\- Go ask her for a dance. I know she always acts tough like a dude but I’m telling you, deep down she’s a big softie– he said as he pushed a hesitant Jason forward, off the couch. Jase took a few steps and glanced back at Kirk who just waved him off.

\- Oh and Jason – he turned around quickly hearing his name.

\- My lips are sealed, don’t worry – the older man nodded as he dragged his hand from left to right in front of his mouth and winked at his bandmate.

Kirk was right, there was no other way than going forward, so that’s exactly what Jason did. He left his warm beer on a nearby table and approached the dancefloor with slightly wobbly steps. Why was he always so nervous nowadays when he was about to speak to Em? He never felt it when they were already into the conversation or doing something together, just before he approached her.

\- Hey, may I have the next dance? – he asked as he came to a halt next to me and Lars. He smiled, but I could sense he was nervous and his palm was sweaty as he grabbed my offered hand.

\- Hey Jaaaase! I haven’t seen you all night! – I greeted him happily, already high on punch, champagne and God knows what else.

Lars went off to spin the bride around and the upbeat song ended, giving it up for Take My Breath Away from Berlin. Jason grinned at me as he grabbed my hip and pulled me closer. I leaned my head against his shoulder as we started to sway slowly, following the relaxed but steady rhytm of the song.

\- Hmm, I love this song – I told him, being drunk enough for the confession.

\- You do? I thought you would think it’s cheesy – he replied, sounding amused.

\- It’s cheesy as fuck, but just think about it: someone wrote a song about being in love so much it takes your breath away. That in itself is beauuutiful – I explained with a slight slur and snuggled my head a bit closer.

\- I’m sure it has nothing to do with Tom Cruise playing Maverick.

\- Abolutely nothing at all – it had everything to do with it and Jase knew it, too - Now shut up and dance.

He just giggled on that high-pitched voice of his and ran his hand up my spine and down again. His closeness and the song itself was so soothing I completely lost track of time and almost lost my balance when we stopped.

\- You wanna sit down a bit? Kirk’s there on the couch too – he suggested carefully but I was already waving at said lead guiarists excitedly, making a beeline towards him. It was getting hard to walk in my heels so I dropped myself down next to Kirk and got rid of them immediately.

\- Hey there, Em – he greeted me as soon as my butt touched the carpet.

\- How did you like dancing with Jase? – he asked grinning widely at Jason, who just stood next to us and desperately tried hiding his face behind his hair. Friends or not, he was still the Newkid who gets grilled every time there’s a change to fuck with him.

\- Oh he’s really good, hasn’t stepped on my feet even once! – I giggled excitedly as the boys laughed.

\- But how are YOU feeling, married man? Enjoying the holy matrimony so far? – I asked as I leaned agains Kirk, but missed his shoulder and ended up in his lap, on my back. What the fuck was in that bottle Becca made me drink from?

\- Well, it’s been great so far but I haven’t seen my wife in more than an hour so that may have something to do with it – he joked to which I just slapped his arm.

\- Asshole! – we laughed at Kirk who just shrugged. I tried gabbing the beer he was holding in his hand but he kept moving his arm away so eventually I gave up and just laid there until I recognised the beginning of Michael Jackson’s Beat it.

\- Let’s go dancing! – I exclaimed and tried to get on my feet but some bastard kept moving the ground below me, making it impossible for me to get up from Kirk’s lap.

\- OK Cinderella that’s it, your chariot awaits – Jason shook his head, snickering as he helped me up with Kirk’s help and struggled to keep me straight.

\- But I want to daaaaaaance! – I pouted at him, crossing my arms.

\- You just did, remember? Come, I’ll help you get to your room. You had enough fun for tonight, now you need to rest. I sure as hell can’t drive that piece of crap you call your car, so I need you fresh and well-rested tomorrow otherwise we’re all stuck here – his argument sounded logical and valid even in my current, "elated" state so after a few minutes of huffing and puffing I finally let myselt to be escorted back to the building. We had to take all those stairs slowly, but soon I was happy to sprawl on my bed for the night. As soon as my head hit the pillow any tiny remnant of my dancing mood disappeared.

Jason gently took my shoes from my hand and covered me with a blanket, smiling.

\- There you go… do you need anything?

\- Hmm, nope. I just needed you to get upstairs, Prince Charming – I cracked my eyes open a bit and grinned at him.

He was still smiling, but there was something in his eyes that was not there before. He drew up his shoulders a bit like he was tense for some reason. He glanced at the tip of his shoes as he carefully shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

\- Uhm.. Em?

\- Yeah? – I tried focusing on him as much as I was able to. He must’ve had something important to say.

\- I…. uhm….. – he tried once, tried twice but the words just seemed to get lost somewhere on their way out.

\- Uhm, good night – he ended up saying a bit awkwardly before he hastily left my room.

Why the heck was he so on edge?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] https://hu.pinterest.com/pin/348114246196957024/  
> https://hu.pinterest.com/pin/348114246199753698/


	15. Family visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being late with this chapter, I had a lot going on in the past 2-3 weeks (Swedish language test, promotion interview, etc.). I hav a few more chapters already hammered out and trying to stay ahead of myself - let' see if I can keep it up.

March, 1988

It was great to see my boys again after 3 months of being apart in different cities. The work on the next album started last November, but James and Lars were so set on cherry-picking the best riffs from the tapes submitted that they were able to start recording in January, right after Kirk got back from his honeymoon. Lars even managed to get that producer guy who made Appetite For Destruction with Guns, but sadly he proved to be an ill fit despite of Lars’s high opinion on him and the huge effort made to secure his services. „Well, shit happens” he said finally and disappeared, telephone in hand, only to emerge about 30 mins later, announcing that Flemming Rasmussen was gonna come over from Copenhagen to work with them. I liked Flemming and his grasp on things, and it did’t come as a shock that Lars’s immediate second thought of a producer was him. He – unlike this other guy – at least knew what the guys were after and how they worked.

Now that they were on track again, recording work could finally continue. Lars and James spent a shitload of time harvesting all the cool ideas, which led to very long, very complex songs. I asked James before I drove them to the airport why he decided to do 7-minute songs but he said it was not a conscious thing, more like stuffing all the awesome riffs right after each other until the songs just became epicly long. It was my last question before the boarding call, so after a few quick goodbyes, off they went to the City of Angels. Its funny how the once cast out band of misfits decided to return to their cradle of a place, now all confident and victorious. They rented separate apartments in a complex near Tower Records with Flemming, who brought the whole family with him, not wanting to leave his wife and his newborn son home alone. Recording started again with a renewed force, and soon the tracks began to take their final forms. It was very different from Master of Puppets, more technical, more progressive… Jason said jokingly that he was not used to having 18 different parts within one song and I could totally relate to that. He was a bit disappointed as only one of his ideas were „good enough” to feature, but still I was proud of him. He was incredibly excited to record his fisrt „proper” album with Metallica and had been walking on clouds for days before they took off to L.A.. The lyrics were somewhat more edgy and political, too – James called it „the whining album” a few years later.

I myself was left behind in SF to guard the house on my own. I was not strictly needed for studio work, there were engineers and Flemming who all were more than capable of handling the bass setup. So here I was, alone for 2 months before the phone rang and I got asked to go down and help with an ad-hoc gig at the Troubadour. To be frank I was just about to start going nuts alone at home, feeling lonely in the empty house. Guess I was not the only one missing the stage. James asked me to get there 2 weeks before the actual show, as he was „missing my stupid face” and the others did too. Needless to say, it took no time for me to pack my shit and get to the airport. Once I got off the plane, I cought a cab and went right to the studio where Jason was laying down the bass tracks with the assistant engineer. It was cool to see him in there, no hopping, no banging, just sitting there, collected and concentrating on the next part. He really was a perfectionist. We spent the last 2 weeks of March working and absorbed by the many, many distractions Sin City had to offer. Lars was high on coke almost every night and ended up at the most furked up places, including a car crash on Sunset Strip and a porno party at Nikki Sixx’s. I was wondering how long we had before we start throwing dead hookers from his bathtub to the dumpster. Kirk spent most of his time on the phone with Becca, and frequented the local record stores. James, Jason and I hung around in the neighbourhood with the studio crew, meeting up with old friends and making new acquainances. I even helped to babysit Flemming’s sons so his wife could take some rest.

***

\- Em, this is my Dad – I shook the elder man’s offered hand excitedly as Jason introduced him.

\- Mr. N! It’ so nice to meet you, I’ve heard so much about you! – holy cow, was it really Jason’s dad I was shaking hands with? The resemblance of father and son was so obvious it couldn’t be anyone else: the both had the same eyes, strong chin and even their glasses were a match (they were huge, thick and ugly - I just called Jason’s pair birth control whenever he had them on. No wonder he preferred his contacts). He was about the same height as Jase (I knew he was the shortest of the Newsted brothers) and a bit wide at the hips, but I guess that’s unavoidable with age.[1] Jason told us his dad was coming to see the band for himself about a week ago, and finally here he was, backstage at the Troubadour.

\- You must be Emilia then – he said in an unusuallly high voice – It is a pleasure to finally meet you in person.

\- How do you like it here so far? Did Jason show you around properly?

\- We just had dinner, and actually I was gonna ask you if you could show him around… Lars asked me to cover for him at an interview last minute - Mr. Newsted Jr. scratched his nose nervously as he glanced at me. He no longer had all that hair to cover his face, which was a nice change when you were having a convestasion with him. James and the others convinced him to shave off the sides, which turned out pretty good. He looked even more badass when he was banging his head on stage, but when he had his curls hanging freely around his face, you couldn’t really notice it. I liked his new haircut a lot.

\- Sure thing Jase, go do your thing. We’ll be around somewhere – I shooed him off with my right hand (I had one of his basses in the letf).

\- Thanks Em, you’re the best! Sorry Dad, I’ll try and make it quick – he patted his dad on the back as he set off towards the door.

\- So, Mr. N… have you ever seen a cabinet full of bass amp heads? – I asked as I led him towards the gear.

Mr. N turned out to be just as laid-back like his youngest son. I showed him all the amps and heads we were using, explained how these things work and why is it important to use one thing for a song and another setup for another. I took him to Big Mick, who was all too happy to tell him all about the soundboard there is to know, and we were even allowed to play a bit with the lights under BJ’s close supervision. He was fascinated by how thorough the crew were, and by how many things were needed for a proper show even at a small venue like this. He said he couldn’t imagine how we kept everything on schedule and remembered all the details, when to switch frequencies, transponders, lights, guitars, etc. I came to like him quickly, and I think he liked me too.

We were sitting at the back, facing the stage, taking a bit of a break from all the walking around, chatting about Jason and his siblings when he dropped the bomb on me.

I was trying to get my breath under control after he told me how Jason managed to accidentally set all their rabbits free when he was 9.

\- … and he had to look and catch all 50 of them one by one? – I asked, still shaking with laughter, wiping my eyes.

\- The poor boy looked for weeks! Rabbits are very good at finding little nooks and crannies to hide you kow, and there were dozens of those at the farm. And he wasn’t permitted to go anywhere besides school and church until he found all of them.

\- Oh dear… if he was as lively as he is now he should have finished earlier. Sometimes he’s bouncing around like Tigger on speed – I remarked and we laughed even harder. After a few minutes, we finally calmed ourselves and sat in comfortable silence for a moment.

\- He told me how you helped him to fit in at the beginning, and been looking out for him ever since – I felt a warm hand patting mine and I looked over to Mr. N, smiling one of those Dad-smiles only middle-aged smalltown daddys have.

\- Thank you dear. I see he’s at a good place with you here.

\- Oh, we’re like a big family here. The beginning was rough for every one of us, but it was the toughest for Jase. Joining such a tightly knit fellowship of a sort… the circumstances we had at the time made it challenging for most of the crew to accept someone new, unknown so quickly. I saw he had trouble and just wanted to ease his situation.

\- I see… he’s very fond of you. You know that, right? – he asked now, looking at me intently. I felt his gaze burning a hole into my temple as I blushed slightly.

\- That’s only natural I guess, we’re working closely together… - I mumbled.

\- I have a feeling he sees you as a very special someone in his life. He told me you encouraged him to go on when he was not sure he could handle how bad things were with the others. I think you’re someone who he relies on deeply and appreciates, has a connection with.

\- Maybe… - I uttered, red as a traffic light. What the fuck was going on and why was I so embarrassed?

\- Do you think you feel the same fondness towards him? – I knew Mr. N never was a detective but he definitely had the skills to make a conversation inquisitive and uncomfortable. I was positive he would have made a great officer in another life.

\- I… I like him too, he’s such a nice guy. We hang out a lot – I managed to squirm out hastily, moving my hand from under his. He got the hint and moved a bit further away from me, giving me a few minutes to deal with the situation before he continued.

\- My dear, you’re clearly a sharp girl and I know you’re not oblivious to the way my son feels for you. I also know you may not feel the same way, or you’re maybe just a little bit afraid of showing you do. But if it’s any help, I raised all my sons to be good men. I don’t mean to brag, but I did a good job – he smiled at me benevolently and squeezed my hand lightly.

\- I, uhm, don’t really know what to say to this… - I felt equally awkward, embarrased, surprised and upset. It was uncomfortable to talk about my feelings – with Jason’s dad, no less – and I was embarrassed by how he put me on the spot, and Jason too. I also felt bad for him: I noticed him acting more nervous around me lately but I’d put it down to all the exciement and stess of writing and recording new stuff. Did he really feel so deeply? For me? Why hadn’t he said something? He told me he was not looking for something serious when we first ended up in each other’s pants, fuck I even asked because I didn’t want to lead him on. Being upset was just my first instinctive reaction whenever I felt threatened or uneasy but still, It was not a classy move to corner me like this when we were being alone.

\- You don’t have to say anyting, dear. Whatever is going on between the two of you, it’s your business but if you don’t feel the same way, don’t let him believe there’s hope when there’s none. That’s all I ask of you. I know my son, he’s a hopeless, romantic fool who won’t stop running after someone until he sees even the slightest chance of things turning out for the better – he eyed me carefully, and I felt small. I was convinced there must had been at least one great policeman somewhere on the family tree. There was no way this natural talent went unnoticed.

\- I apologise for bringing it up just like this, I see I’ve startled you. Forgive an old man for sticking his nose where he shouldn’t – he got up and winked at me – I just worry about Jason. He sounds serious about this girl he likes, and I just wanted to get a good look on her and see if she’s indeed so great like he said. Now that we’ve met, I know she is – he adjusted his glasses and gave me another signautre dad-smile before he left me there, confused and feeling uneasy.

I didn’t even register he basically gave me his blessing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] Daddy Newsted’s there at 1:12:38. By the way this is one of the weirdest documentaries I’ve ever seen. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0lnYa9DsbI


	16. No Justice for Jason

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I admit I cheated bit, the hotel room story happened later in '88 and as far as I know Jason didn't hear fhe final mix until the AJFA release but here you go, more heartbreak and crying for you guys.

May, 1988

Was someone really knocking or did I just dream it?

Nope, there was another, louder knock on my door. I quickly glanced at my watch on the nightstand which told me it was a few minutes before 04:00 AM. What the fuck?

I got up from the bed as another, more pressing string of knocks came from the general direction of my door.

\- Comin’, goddamit! – I shouted as I tingled my hand through my ruffed hair getting in my face, switching on the lamp on my bedside table.

\- What?!?! – I asked with a sullen face as I cracked the door open, wearing my favourite Captain America pajama pants and a shirt almost twice my size. Whatever was going on, I didn’t want to be a part of it and was certainly not dressed to go anywhere. My expression quickly turned to flabbergasted when I saw Jason standing in my doorway, a blanket and a pillow in his arms, pale as a sheet, looking destroyed.

\- Can I sleep here tonight? – he asked on a tiny voice, eyes cast to the ground, ashamed. There was something terribly wrong, I could feel it. He was not the bitching type, he usually put on a smile and endured whatever he had to, so there must have been some serious shit ongoing for him to turn up at my door at this hour, in this state.

\- Come in… what happened to you? – I asked as he paddled in slowly and went straight to the couch. His whole posture was wrong in an unspeakable way: his shoulders hung down, making his always straight back crooked. He still hung his head towards the floor, not looking up at me at all. Even his usually fluffy hair was lifeless and hung downwards sadly.

\- Jason? – I sat down cross-legged facing him, trying to look behind his curls.

\- Sorry… my room got trashed and I didn’t know where to go – he finally spoke and his voice was strangely quavering. He risked a quick glance towards me and his eyes were shiny. My heart sank a bit.

\- Un-fuckin-believable… - I grumbled as my blood pressure skyrocketed. I thought we were finally over this for good.

\- James? – I only asked.

\- Lars, and the other guys from Danzig… the’re on the road again and happen to be here at the hotel. They kicked down my door when I didn’t let them in and turned the place upside down. Turned the mattress with me still lying on it, piled all the furniture on top of it. There’s toothpaste and shaving cream everywhere… they threw my shoes, my tapes, all my stuff out the window… - he took a deep breath but I could see a single tear escaping his eye, rolling down on his cheek. He was completely devastated by the cruelty and generally fucked-up behaviour of his bandmate - I knew it was not Glenn and his buddies he was so heartbroken about.

\- Come here – I sighed and let my feet down, opening my arms to him. He hesitated for a moment, but finally gave in and leaned forward into my embrace. I kissed his cheek as I stroked his back and I felt him shaking under my arms, crying silently. I’d never seen him cry before and I decided then and there to skin the whole bunch alive. It’s been a long time since any serious offense had been committed agains Jason, and I really hoped those days were over once and for all.

\- Shhh, it’ OK Jase, it’ll be OK – I comforted him, combing through his hair with my fingers and holding him tighter.

\- I thought they accepted me… but they never will, will they? – he sniffled and he sounded so bitter that the cold grip on my insides just got tighter, like I just swallowed liquid ice. This was not my Jason. He could never sound so shattered… could he?

\- They just got high and hammered with Glenn and decided to take out their unspent energy on you. Don’t imagine anything deeper behind it, they were just being drunk shitheads, nothing more.

-I don’t know… sometimes I feel you’re the only one who really likes me from the inner circle – he confessed, wiping his eyes. He still held me close, as if he released his hold on me I would slip away.

\- That’s sweet, but I’m sure Kirk and the crew would disagree. James is not so great at showing his emotions, but you survived the first 2 years without a broken bone, that definitely puts you in his good graces too, believe me – I tried to crak a joke but he just sniffled again and rested his head on my shoulder. We stayed like this for a time, Jason battling with his emotions and me cradling him.

\- They’re turning down the bass on Justice, it is barely there, like I’m not even playing… I worked so hard on those tracks, and they’re flushing it all down the toilet… they didn’t even care enough to be in the studio when I played my parts, they just sent me in with the second engineer…

\- Jase, listen to me – I said, reaching for his face. I lifted his chin and wiped away a few of his tears. He had such pain in his eyes that I felt a sharp pang inside of me. They’d really broken his spirit this time. I tucked his hair behind his ears to keep his attention on me.

\- You’re one hell of a bass player and these motherfuckers are lucky to have you. It is a dick move to turn the bass down and I told the Terror Twins to go fuck themselves when I heard the rough mix of the first track. But you can still show the world how awesome you are, starting tomorrow. Your a fucking monster on stage and the kids love you. You’re always so funny, sweet and thoughtful it’s impossible not to like you instantly. James and the others can see it, and the crew too, you know. You fit in perf- I couldn’t finish the sentence becuse Jason’s lips were suddenly on mine and we shared a soft, almost modest kiss.

He tangled his hand in my hair as he deepened the kiss a bit, slowly, shyly. He was so gentle like he was kissing me for the first time. We were always all heat and raw passion when we kissed before, but this turnaround was something out of this world. I deepened the kiss even more, carefully, and he let me, caressing my neck and cleavage with his hands softly.

\- Jason… - I whispered his name as he got up and pulled me with him. We landed on the bed, completely lost in each other’s eyes as we stroked and kissed each other slowly, intimately. It was so very different from any of our previous encounters: I wanted to kiss his sorrows away, to heal his scars and I believe he just wanted to feel loved. Our moves were delicate, sensual in a way formerly unknown to us. Jason entered me so carefully and slowly like I was made of glass, and maybe because of the steps leading to this moment, mabe because we were together like this for the first time without any physical barrier between us it felt different. He felt different. He kept kissing my neck as he pleasured me with deep, steady thrusts. I whispered sweet nonsense into his ears as I claimed his mouth from time to time, running my fingers down from his shoulders to his firm bottom, grabbing it only to be rewarded with a low growl and a slow, burning kiss. It felt as if not only our mouths, but our souls were kissing, blending together for a fraction of a moment when we found our release almost at the same time. We didn’t just fucked, for the first time we made love. We spent some time just lying under the blanket after, getting used to this new sensation we just experienced, cuddling a bit before he moved to get out of the bed.

\- Where do you think you’re going?

\- To sleep on the couch? – he seemed puzzled by the question.

\- Don’t be silly, Jase, come back to bed – I lifted the covers for him invitingly.

\- But we never… - he started but I sushed him down.

\- We just exchanged bodily fluids for the umpteenth time… we might as well sleep together for once – I told him, and I think I saw a tiny ghost of a smile creeping unto his face as he quickly got back next to me and hugged me from behind. I sighed comfortably in his arms, feeling his lips on the back of my neck. I knew why it was so natural for him to leave: we fucked, but we never spent the night together. It was an unspoken line in the sand we drew between being occassional fuck-buddies and a proper couple. We „slept together” regularly, but we’d actually never slept together. Sounds pretty twisted, right?

\- You sure? – he mumbled from behind me, sounding uncertain.

\- You snore or somethin’?

\- Nope, not that I know of.

\- Then I’m sure – I turned from my right side to my back, keeping his hand crossed on my stomach and smiled at him. He just kissed the tip of my shoulder lazily before we both closed our eyes and fell into a few hours of careless oblivion.


	17. Last Caress?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there folks, I am miraculously on time with this chapter :D time to let that cat out of the bag!

Same day, later in the morning

\- G’morning sunshine, we need to talk – I plastered on my best predatory smile showing all 32 teeth as I stepped in, almost knocking over a very hungover Glenn Danzig.

Meanwhile, Jason slowly woke up to find himself alone in bed. He was laying on his stomach and was just about to snuggle a bit closer to his roadie when he registered the Em-shaped hole on the other side. He also noticed a piece of paper on the pillow – he didn’t have his glasses, but squinting real hard he managed to make out „Went to see Glenn, brb” hastily scribbled down with round, girly letters. He smiled as he put the note aside, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Part of him was disappointed as he secretly hoped to wake up with Em in his arms but he also felt a warm, mellow ball of gratitude in his chest.

Last night was officially Jason’s worst night as part of Metallica. He felt deceived by Lars, getting his room destroyed like that after months of the usual, mostly harmless, adolescent pranks. Just when he was at the brink of feeling accepted, liked even, bang… one drunkening with Danzig and he’s back at the beginning of the painful way leading to being a part of Metallica. He didn’t really mind the holes and obstacles of it, he expected them, but the intentional roadblocks and carefully placed, camouflaged tank-traps were a bit too much for him. He knew it was going to be hard, that here with Hetfield and Ulrich the only role he was gonna be allowed to play was of the underdog’s but he never imagined such hostility from them. He felt uneasy as the memories of being woken up by the door breaking open started to roll behind his eyelids, the feelings of being insecure and unwanted poking their head up again in his soul like some inexpungeable weed growing stronger with every atrocity. People say every cloud has a silver lining – Jason felt like he’d been standing under a very tenacious, very dark and personalized cloud determined to follow him everywhere. If there was any sort of silver lining, he could not see it from behind the heavy rain pouring down on him constantly.

Last night was fucking ridiculous and cruel, but he also had to admit the second half of it was not half bad. Not at all… maybe there was a silver lining after all, a short, bass-roadie shaped silver lining with kind, dark eyes and a warm smile. Jason turned on his back as his thoughts wandered back to the more pleasant events of the early morning. He closed his eyes as he remembered Em whispering his name as he fucked her deeper and shuddered, running his hands downwards. He gripped his already half-hard member and started stroking it absentmindedly. The way they shared their bodies with each other was just mindblowing. They were always in such a hurry from the beginning, always waiting until the urge to seek out the other was nearly unbearable, that every kiss, every caress was hasty, feverish, full of unreleased energy like a bended bow no matter if they were at Jason’s or doing a quickie in some alley after a show. Jason liked that too, but this, THIS was something even more… better, in a way. His strokes became faster and he could feel his nipples hardening as he kept pleasuring himself, precum leaking from his shaft. Their latest night together was more relaxed, intimate and it oddly made the whole eperience even more profound. The fact they didn’t use a condom for the first time just made it even more intense and to feel her like that… even the memory of her clenching around him as she came gave him goosebumps, and he almost shot his load then and there. With all the careful caresses and precious moments fueling his imagination, he hardly needed any additional stimulation to gasp and spill his seed all over his stomach with a yelp.

\- Damn – he concluded looking over himself, butt naked in Em’s bed, with his own cum drying on his skin. Kirk was right, he really had it bad for this girl and there was no denying it. He sighed and got up to wash away the tangible proof of his feelings with a hot shower.

He’d known many girls since he got his first blowjob at the age of 15. He had long-time girlfriends, short-term arrangements, a few fuck-buddies and many one-night stands (especially since joining Metallica… chicks seemed to be drawn to him like a moth to a flame – something to do with being in the world’s greatest band) but he couldn’t remember ever being so smitten. He didn’t lie when he said he was not looking for something serious about a year ago; he just wanted to get all that sexual frustration between them out of the way. He was not prepared for the attraction evolving into a full-blown crush on Emilia, because it was that, whether he liked it or not. He had to admit to himself, he was in love. He got up with a huge smile on his face whenever they were scheduled to practice or he knew he was gonna go over to the MetalliMansion. His heart beated a little bit faster when Em was talking about the latest amp head he should try, or comics, or whatever what was on her mind. He felt an electric rush tingling through his body when they touched each other, regardless if it was just their fingers brushing or they were up against a wall, bodies flush against each other, chasing their peak of pleasure. He felt his insides turning into warm putty every time she smiled at him and his chest tightened a bit with every spicy reply he got from her while jesting at each other.

If only he had the guts to tell her all this – he thought as he dried himself off, tucking the towel around his waist. It’s not that he didn’t want to, he just didn’t want to do it the wrong way and ruin everything with his carelessness. Em sounded sincere when she said she didn’t want to have anything serious and if Jason wanted her to change her mind about it, he couldn’t fuck it up. He needed to find the perfect moment, and the pefect words to tip the scale in his favour but he felt it may never come, and time was running low. He knew Em liked him too, she was always so supporting and caring, and it was her who insisited on spending last night together in the same bed... but he needed her to trust him too, and that was something which required hard work. He felt he set a strong base, and really proved himself when he found her with Eddie – he sat down a bit harder on the bed than he intented recalling how mad he, and how scared she was – but it was still up to her judgement in the end. All he could do was to continuously show her that he could be trusted, and how fond of her he was.

The subtle creak of the door quicly ended his pondering as Em waltzed into the room.

***

\- Heeey, you’re up early – I greeted Jase, sitting on my bed wearing only a towel, hair still wet from the shower he obviously just took.

\- Couldn’t sleep longer – he just said, adjusting the towel in his lap. I stepped closer and moved his hands to the sides before I lowered myelf on top of him.

\- Still feeling shitty? – my hands found their way around his neck on autopilot, locking eyes with him. There was still a deep sadness lurking below the surface of those ocean blue irises, but I could also sense that the fresh wounds torn by the shitstorm last night already started to heal.

\- Yeah... but it’s a tiny bit better now - he assured me, grabbing my waist with his hands, squeezing me a little.

\- Prepare for it to get even better – I said with a smile – ’cause I got news, buddy: I had a little chat with Glenn and after some arm-bending, he agreed to happily pay for all the damage caused. Am I awesome or what? – I smirked at him, being very pleased with myself.

\- Knowing you, the arm-bendig is not just a metaphor – he snored as he pulled me agains him, enveloping me in a light hug.

\- You saved my dignity and the contents of my wallet... thank you – he gazed upwards from between my boobs with a grateful face.

\- You’re very welcome, Jase.

I waited for a remark or comment, but he remained silent as he kept staring at me with a soft look. He seemed hesitant, just like at Kirk’s wedding. I could see a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions passing through his eyes. Just as it was about to get a bit cringy, he took a deep breath and asked:

\- Em, can I take you out on a date sometime?

\- What?! – I was so surprised by the question I almost fell down from his lap. I distanced myself from him on instinct and he let me, but still held his arms around my waist.

\- I want to take you on a proper date – he repeated, more determined this time. His face was flushed but otherwise he seemed serious.

\- …why? – I was totally astonished and I was sure my brain shut down if this lame question was the first thing which came out of my mouth. I kept staring at Jason with bewildered eyes. So Mr. N was right after all…

\- Because I like you and I want to make this official, whatever this is– he moved his hand between our chests to emphasize his point.

\- I really like it when you’re around… and that we can talk for hours about any ridiculous topic, or just sit comfortably in silence. I love how you smile at me when you think I’m funny and that you’re always keeping an eye on me, making sure I’m well and happy. I like that we get back at James and Lars with our own pranks together. Plus you’re hands down one of the best lays I’ve ever had, and if you add all these together we basically act like a couple already – he added hastily, like he wanted to get all this off his chest before his courage runs out. I just continued to sat there in his arms, frozen in place, staring down at him puzzled and slightly hurt.

\- Jason… you know how I feel about relationships in general – I glanced to the side, not being able to look into those beautiful blue eyes full of longing. His dad was righ: the guy - God bless his soul - was a romantic idiot. A sweet, handsome, naive idiot and my heart ached for him. I must admit I feared this moment… sure I liked him a lot, but still I had doubts. He was too good to be true, and I was afraid I would end up with another Tony. He seemed perfect too.

\- I told you I was not ready for a long-term thingy… - I said with a low, hurt woice and his head dropped upon hearing my words. I didn’t want to take away his hope but I wanted to be honest with him, he deserved it.

\- I know, I know and if you don’t feel the same I’ll leave you alone. But I kinda got the hint you do… or at least I wanted to see it in you, I guess. I said the same last year and I meant it. But a lot happened since then, and it just got out of control in a way… you made me change my mind - he mumbled, not looking at me, silently regretting putting his hair in a ponytail. There was no hiding behind those chestnut curls now.

\- I do.. I mean I like you too but it’s just so... will you give me some time to think about it? – I asked, turning to face him, uncertain what I would see. He was eyeing me with a long face and just nodded. I made him heartborken again and I was feeling guilty for being frank, so I leaned down and kissed his cheek.

\- It is not a „no”, I just need to settle some things inside me, okay? Don’t take this as a turndown because it is not – he nodded again, more convincingly this time and kissed my lips timidly. I dropped my head on his shouder as we sat there, holding on to each other until it was time to get going.

Jason was sure he just fucked shit up.


	18. The Struggle Within

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, just a shorther one now. If you're still reading, thank you for sticking with me - if you just discovered this, I hope you like it!

June, 1988

So, how was the Monsters of Rock tour in 1988? – my grandkids would ask. Absolute mayhem and fuckin’ pandemonium – I would reply and take out the photo album for evidence.[1]

The summer of 1988 was just total chaos on every level there is. Metallica toured the US as part of Monsters of Rock, opening for Dokken, Scorpions and Van Halen and the whole tour was just fuckin’ nuts. It was mostly weekend shows, so the kids were all riled up after a long week of work, fuelled by booze and the heat by the time the gates opened, thirsty for some heavy shit. Food fights and fistfights between sections of the arenas were as common as clap amongst hookers, and sometimes it was not only food: my boys got every kind of shit thrown on stage. Toilet paper, bras, food and bottles, shoes and one time even the fuckin’ seats. It got so out of control they had to stop the gig for a time. It was fucking insane and we just loved it. The other bands were very cool to hang out with too, and even the great ones like Van Halen appreciated Metallica’s honesty. My boys were not dressing up or anything, they appeared on stage like they did on the street between shows, keeping it real, and when Sammy Hagar says this on national TV you just take the compliment and bow.

We got the early afternoon slot meaning we wouldn’t get to work until about 11:00 AM, which left some time for James and the rest to gather themselves from whatever floor or bathtub they fell asleep the previous night and sober up. The collective drinking sessions got a bit less severe after the Japan tour, but the booze consumption of the guys reached new heights at the beginning of the 1988 tour. We were out of our minds almost ever night, some of us were not even bothered by throwing up repeatedly. You just hid the vase with the „surprise” in someone else’ room and partied even harder. We – meaning the crew - at least had the sense of decenty to get shitfaced only after the gig. The name Alcoholica was honoured with each show, sometimes so much you felt you were playing Cluedo on repeat, trying to piece last night together. Who is this guy in a bra? Why is there toast in my bed? Who put cheese in James’s pants? Did I really throw up in Lars’s shoe? It was madness, and it didn’t stop at alcohol. Sex and rugs and rock ’n’roll, that’s how the song goes and we’re still only talking about the last part. Drugs were not too far after booze, but it was mostly Lars and Kirk who did the heavy stuff, the coke and other powders. Jason and James just smoked pot with me and a few others from the sound crew. Luckily the two idiots knew where to stop, but I was still worried they would overdo it after a harder comedown and OD. I told them I would only do CPR to strangle them again and I guess I was scary enough to make them careful, if you can even put „careful” and „cocaine” in the same sentence. Regarding the last ingredient of the Holy Trinity, our new tour manager, Ian Jeffrey really outdid himself on that front: he introduced what later became known as „tub tarts”. Basically a few guys went to seek out chicks who were devoted to the band enough to provide other things than a bright smile and a poster to sign. The opening line went something like „Would you mind getting your hair wet?” and it worked every fucking time. It was nauseating and impressive at the same time. Starting the first night of the tour, Metallica would come down from the stage to find their backstage and the shower full of busty groupies, ready and willing to bathe them. Once you got them completely naked there were other things you didn’t need to try so hard to make them do. It wasn’t even necessary to vocalise your ideas, those girls were practically begging to be dicked down. And dicked down they got. Soon they were everywhere, and things got even wilder thant group orgies after shows: Lars was getting blowjobs regularly under the stage during the bass solos, and there were chicks passed around like joints on the tour bus, too. Everyone participated, band and crew alike; it was only Kirk and Jason who tried to remain relatively reserved, but even they took advantage of the situation a few times. How Kirk managed to pull this off and remain happliy married I had no idea, but I kept my nose out of it, only giving him deathstares from a distance.

The downtime was no so much fun though. Sometimes we spent the whole week at a hotel, sometimes we went home (if it was close enough) to cool off but James and Lars burned the candle at both ends, doing the shows and flying back and forth between wherever we happened to be and Bearsville, where the final mixing of _…And Justice For All_ took place. I tried convincing them to make the bass louder but they just shut me down saying they can’t hear the guitars properly f it’s so up. I told them it was bullshit before I shut the door in their faces, grumbling to myself. Jason just let them do whatever they wanted. He too confronted them about his work being inaudible, without success. He decided not to push it, but it left a permanent dark mark on his feelings towards the Terror Twins. His first original work as part of Metallica, and you could barely hear his parts…

There were other, more personal things making him uneasy. I told him I needed some time at the end of May, but it was almost early July and I still haven’t given him an answer. In my defence, there was much to do with the constant travelling from one city to another and he also spent most of his downtime in Michigan and Arizona, making it pretty hard to catch him alone during a break. I could see he was bothered by me being mum so long. We met each other regularly (it would’ve been hard not to) and aced like nothing serious happened in that hotel room but we haven’t been together since then. Whenever it started to feel a bit awkward he left, or joined another bunch of guys to pass the time with. He didn’t try to push me for an answer and it was something which I appreciated deeply. I told him I needed some time and he gave me time, didn’t ask how long I needed, when can he expect a decision, nothing. He just let me be and that is what I needed, though I was prepared for an outburst. That wouldn’t have been very Jason-like – he was more patient than a preschool teacher - but I could see it happening if I continued to be silent.

As for the why, I had no idea. I went through all the things that happened to and between us since ’86 several times, but I couldn’t think of one thing or example when he was not acting like a decent person. Like someone who could truly be trusted, becuase that’s what the deal-breaker was.

***

I sighed and turned the knob of the radio higher so I could hear the news better over the rain while doing the dishes. It was our first day home after the last Sunday show and I decided to clean the house to use all this frustration for something useful. Kirk moved in with Becca after the wedding, so now it was just James and me – and he was definitely no housemaid. Oh he helped when I asked, but I had to ask otherwise he never did anything productive related to household chores.

Jason’s place is always spotless - I thought as I continued to scrub my way through the pile of glasses and sticky pans. This was a solid mark going on my pro list, right next to the others. There were cons too, not too numerous but more serious in nature. What if it doesn’t work out? Could we still remain friends? We work together so not seeing each other was not an option… would he hire a new tech? Would James allow it? Would Jason resign as bass player if it got too uncomfortable? What if I decide to trust him but he fucks me over? Dammit, Tony made me too fuckin’ paranoid if this is my biggest fear of a person who’d literally saved me from a rapist and had been noting but nice to me. Jason always played by the rules and I’d heard nothing but good about him from others, too. I couldn’t imagine him ending up like Tony but apparently you can never be sure… 

The news were over, and the first hit after was I’m not in love by 10cc.

_I’m not in love, so don’t forget it, it’s just a silly phase I’m going through…_

\- Oh, c’mooon – I whined as I switched stations, with a bit more force than necessary. It was hard enough to sort my shit out without a matching background beat, thank you very much. Because that’s what I needed to do, I needed to sort this out so I don’t keep Jason hanging in the balance. I’d more than enough time to think this through. What I didn’t have was enough courage to say yes. Because I wanted to say yes, I really did… I was just scared shitless by being wanted by someone, and what was even more territfying that I wanted him just as much. In the last 2 years I never got emotionally attached to someone I slept with. I didn’t allow myself to be so vulnerable, to give someone else space in my life, to allow someone to know me so well, to know where and how I could be hurt. I was alwas so careful to keep things casual but Jason, he was always around and I had grown to like him even before we started sleeping together.

My brain was a pessimist, but a few stories down my heart told me Jason was ace: first of all he was a huge dork and just adorable. He had a good heart. He was honest with others. He could play a wicked bass. He always made me smile with how gleeful he was. He always tried to see the best in others. He was caring. He made my knees weak when he kissed my neck. Even his stupid, lopsided, dimpled smile was cute behind his curly hair. I even liked when he giggled which was totally lame. He was always there when you needed him, like at Kirk’s wedding when he took poor-old-wasted me to my room afte we danced…

The distinctive saxophone of George Michael’s Careless Whisper caught my attention just as I remembered how good it felt to snuggle into his arms while swaying gently to the music.

\- Seriously?!?!? – I cried out and turned the knob so violently that the thing went silent. This had to be a sign, otherwise why would God be fucking with me so blatantly, with not one but two awfully mushy lovesongs within 5 minutes? What the fuck was I’m so uncertain about anyways? There was this sweet, caring, most probably trustful, cute guy who wanted me, ME of all things from the endless waves of pussy thrown at him each and every night. Did we get on? Yeah, we were thick as thieves. Did I like him? Sure I did. Did I enjoy when he fucked me senseless? Hell yeah! So do I want to be with him? God, yes. How did it become so complicated when it was as simple as that?

I always said that I didn’t want the past to rule my present, but the way I viewed things and acted was the exact opposite. I couldn’t label all the guys on the planet sons of bitches because one of them turned out to be a rapist son of a bitch. I needed to start trusting people otherwise I won’t ever be free of him. I gasped as I realized how big of a hypocrite I’d been. Jason trusted me enough to confess his feelings, and I was too afraid to admit to him I felt the same. There was no way of knowing how things would turn out with Jase, but the least I could do is to try finding out.

And I just figured out the first step I needed to take.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] You can see a chair thrown on stage around 2:25 – there were food fights on several dates too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWRJc3Iz4dA


	19. Let's see where this goes...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY *tired eyeroll*

\- I’m going out, don’t wait up for me! – I shouted in the direction of James’ open door as I rushed to my room to put on some decent clothes. I grabbed the nearest dress I could get my hands on and started looking for any kind of shoes.

\- So we’re not watching the Raiders beating the crap out of the Rams together? Where are you going? – came the reply, as James stepped out of his room with a curious glance, watching me as I was halfway towards the door, putting on my Chucks.

\- I need to take care of someting – I explained with half my shoes on, looking for my car key.

\- Can’t it wait until the rain stops? – he asked, squinting towards the window. The modest sprinkle grew into a steady stream of heavy rain. I know I probably looked a bit erratic (to put it lightly) and he just didn’t want me to end up curved nicely around a tree or in a ditch somewhere driving in this weather in this state but I had to go.

\- Nope, see ya! –I left in such a hurry that I didn’t even close the door, hopping on one foot towards my car until I managed to get on my other shoe.

I finally made my decision and I wanted to jump into Jason’s arms and repeat it over and over again before I chickened out and made a huge mistake.

***

Jason was standing by his living room window, watching the neighbour’s kids jumping from one puddle to the next, shrieking exciedly as the last notes of Careless Whisper faded away. He let out a deep sigh as he turned around and slumped back on the couch, turning the radio off as he went.

It’d been more than a month since he did what felt like the biggest fuckin’ mistake of his life. Why couldn’t he just keep his mouth shut a bit longer? He confessed his feelings too early and now his chances of endig up with Em were less than zero.

He cringed as he took another swing from the beer bottle in is left hand. He aced like an idiot, and made himself miserable. He made Em miserable too and it only made him feel worse. He should have waited, he should have been more patient… but this warm, fuzzy feeling he constantly had in his chest just overpoured like boiling water as she sat there on his lap and he couldn’t keep it in any longer. He saw the surprise in her eyes, and heard the suspense in her voice when she told him she needed time. He’d hoped for an immediate reply – if he was brave enough to ask, she could have been brave too – but he knew it was not that easy. Em had trusted a guy with her heart, a guy she practically grew up with and had been dating for years just to get manhandled and raped by him. No wonder she had trust issues when it came to romantic relationships and he knew she was afraid of making the same mistake again but still, he felt blue by her ongoing silent treatment. They met frequently but it was always so hard not to rush her. He wanted to give her all the time she needed but he was getting terribly restless, going over that morning and the night before over and over again in his head.

They hadn’t been together since, and he felt ashamed for bedding other girls while he wanted nothing more than to turn his back on them and be with Em. Still, he needed to unwind so he got hammered and made out with chicks a few times on this tour just to feel even shittier after. All his latest partners in crime were dark-haired and short (no surprises there) and for a blissful second he could imagine being with Emilia before reality hit him in the head with full force. His dad said he did the right thing and he should not push her but it was soooo hard.

He tried phyiscally distancing himself to lower the chances of him cornering her in one of his worse moments by splitting his free weeks between his family and his pals in AZ. He helped his brother renovate the house he moved in with his family, and spent some quality time with his dad. His mom was over the moon every time he said he was staying for the whole week and he also met some of his high school buddies he hadn’t seen in ages.

He also made peace with Flotsam on his second visit in Scottsdale and spent the first 3 nights drinking and jamming with Kelly and Eric. At first they were slightly bellingerent, but their curiosity proved to be greater than the grudge they held against him. They told him about their own achievements and Jason told them all about Metallica and all the places he visited with them. They shared crazy stories and by the end of the 3rd night, they were brothers again.

And now here he was, back in SF getting drunk and mopish again with nothing to derail him form the path leading to another night of shamefully rubbing one out while thinking of locks of dark hair and delicate fingers caressing his face.

\- Fuck – he said simply as he finished his beer and moved to set the bottle down on the kitchen counter, noticing how the heavy rain developed into a full-blown downpour. Short but brutal showers were common in the Bay Area during summer – something he was still not used to, having spent 5 years in the desert.

He was fully prepared to spend the rest of the day lying on the couch, wasting his time away by pretending to watch brainless game shows on TV while feeling sorry for himself, getting more familiar with the knot his insides liked to exist in lately when he heard a knock on his door. Prepared to see the back of the kids from downstairs (because no, he did not suffer enough mischief while being with the band, he got fucked with by the kids at home, too), he let out a surprised gasp when he saw a ruffled, very wet Emilia.

_Oh God_ – he thought, legs shaking – _that’s it_ **.** She came to tell him she is not interested in him at all.

***

\- Can I come in? – I asked while squeezing out the rain from my hair. Jason said nothing, just nodded and disappeared towards his bathroom as I stepped in, dripping wet. There was a pool already forming under me as I waited silently for him to come back with a towel.

\- Did you walk all this way in this weather or what? – he handed me the towel, a bit jittery. He was so off that I didn’ even notice how he surpressed the urge to shoot one of the „already so wet” jokes . He was not sure about the reaction it would get from me.

\- My car finally gave up and died two blocks from here – I started as I leaned to the side to dry my hair a bit – I had to walk from there.

\- At least now you can have a new one, knowing she took her dying pump of gas with dignity and all – they always made fun of me for loving my little Plymouth Champ too much, at least more than it deserved and how I refused to make her retired.

\- Yeah, though she could have made her final trip about a mile longer – I scoffed and Jase giggled, too. I was not making much progress on my hair, so I moved on to dry at least my arms and legs, removing my Chucks. Jason just watched me slightly confused, not really knowing what was up. I was waiting for the usual jokes I would receive but he didn’t even noted how wet I was, which was a first for him.

\- Let me get you some dry clothes, you’re completely soaking my living room – he must have felt uneasy by me turning up unannounced because otherwise he would make every effort to keep me in my wet, clingy dress as long as possible just to enjoy the view.

He soon returned with a T-shirt and shorts. I took the clothes from him but just fidgeted with them.

\- I came over t- I started the same time he spoke too.

\- Why are you he- sorry, you first – he motioned with his hand for me to go on. He was watching me intently, with a hint of fear in those blue eyes.

\- Sorry, I wanted to say that I came over to tell you… - I hesitated for a moment before continuing carefully, thinking every word through but not looking at Jason directly – That I’m totally paranoid because of the things that happened to me. I don’t really trust anybody besides James. I know that it sounds ridiculous and I’m probably doing the wrong thing but I just can’t. And I’m not good at relationships either. I’d always forgotten anniversaries, I have ridiculous trust issues and people told me I’m bluntly honest even when I shouldn’t be which can be hurtful. I suck at relationships… - I risked a glance upwards to see all the colour disappearing from Jason’s face, standing in front of me like a deer caught by a headlight. Fuck, I gave him the wrong impression and probably a massive heart attack.

\- But I want to try, Jase. So you gonna have to be patient with me… if you’ll still have me – I finished, staring at him bashfully, not knowing what to expect after a month of quiet stares and hesitation.

At first he just blinked and shook his head a bit, like he didn’t understand me. His eyebrows knotted as he frowned at me, trying to catch my eyes with his. I squinted at him slowly and gave him a hesitant smile, not knowing how he took the news. He eyed me carefully, looking deep into my eyes and he must have found what he was looking for because he flashed a brilliant, toothy smile at me before closing the distance between us and pushing me against the front door.

\- We’ll figure it out together – he assured me and claimed my lips in a slow, intense kiss, holding the back of my head with his right hand, grabbing my waist with the other. He pushed me against the door as he deepened the kiss, moaning into it. He shuddered as I tossed the towel and the clothes in my hand to the floor, grabbed his shoulders and pulled him close, feeling my cold dress push against his skin. He grabbed my thighs and lifted me, back still against the door and gently bit my neck, while rubbing himself against me. I welcomed the pressure with a soft whimper and grabbed his curls to make him look at me. Our bodies ached for each other, welcoming each other like long-lost lovers because that’s what they were, hungry for each other after weeks of deprivation.

\- Bed, now – I demanded using my last ounce of patience not to say „floor”, and my patience was wearing thin.

\- Yes, ma’am - he just grinned as he placed a quick kiss on my lips, moved his hands below my ass and carried me into the adjoined, smaller nook he slept in. He sat down on the bed still holding me and I pushed him on his back immediately, stradling him, crawling a bit further up to pull his arms above his head. I left his hands there and roamed mines over his chest, brushing his nipples under his soaked shirt, pushing myself against his hard member, pulling his earlobe with my teeth as I whispered teasingly:

\- Did I just make you wet?

\- It’s the first time I hear that line from a girl – he snickered but the words got hijacked by another loud moan.

\- Good, now you know how lame it is – he brushed the sides of my legs and lifted my dress lightly, giving me goosebumps as I bit his lower lip.

\- Let’s get you out of these before you say something more stupid, huh? – he moved the wet fabric higher, getting it off me with a smooth, swift motion. Impressive.

\- Let’s get you out of these before you catch a cold – I replied and tugged his soaked shirt down, getting off him to get rid of his pants too. He was already hard and ready, and I couldn’t resist grabbing him by the base and swallowing his lenght. He groaned again when I started bobbing my head and cupped his balls in my other hand, rolling them gently. My teeth scratched his shaft delicately with every upward movement and I could feel his salty taste on my tongue. Leaving his balls I streched his legs a bit further apart and slipped my fingers between them, looking for the sensitive skin between his sack and his hole and started massaging it experimentally. The gasp I received told me I found a sensitive spot.

\- Oh fuck, don’t stop – he begged as I applied a bit more pressure, my mouth still full with his cock. He grabbed the back of my head and carefully pushed it down until his tip was pressing against my throat and held me there as he let out a shaky breath and started thrusting. He kept his hand on my head but didn’t push me further or held me with any force, I was free to move if I wanted. I let him to do as he pleased, continuing my ministrations southwards. I decided to try something else and I let his cock loose with a pop, continuing to pump him with my other hand, while I took one of his balls in my mouth instead.

\- Ohhhhhh – he moaned and soon I could hear he had some trouble breathing. He grabbed my hand wrangling his dick and pulled me up from between his legs, turning to his side, pulling me close to him. Taking one of my boobs, he pressed it gently, cupping it, and licked my other nipple before gently sucking on it. Now I was the one having trouble to breathe as I felt one of his hands between my tighs, slipping a finger inside me. Soon there were two and I let out a loud string of whimpers as he kept fingering me while biting, licking and sucking on my nipples in turns. I was getting close, and I was growing impatient: I grabbed his wrist and moved his fingers a bit slower but deeper until I felt that familiar, warm ball of lightning in my lower belly and came only seconds later.

\- Turn on your belly – he asked me after giving me a moment to recover. He asked so sweetly I did so without a question. He placed a pillow under my head, and lifted my ass until I was kneeling, but my chest was stilly lying on the matress. I knew what was coming and I was visibly trembling from being so in heat.

Jason kneeled behind me, and first just rubbed himself against my pussy, getting his dick wet before pressing his tip agains my entrance and pushing in with a slow but firm motion. The angle made him rub against my walls more intensely and I almost came again just from feeling him filling me up, stroking me all the way until his tip reached the back. We groaned together as he pulled out completely and entered me again, with more force this time. Then he grabbed my hips and started fucking me in earnest. He was impatient too, if his tempo and the rugged breathing was any indication but he also didn’t forget to rub my clit from time to time, sending waves of heat radiating through my body. I could feel he was close, his movements were getting erratic and he pushed in even deeper now, almost painfully deep but I loved it. He gripped my hips so hard he was gonna leave marks. It didn’t take that tingling feeling very long to build up again and take me to Heaven, eyes rolled back.

\- Jase – I said weakly and he stopped for a moment to lean forward and place a kiss on the back of my neck, running his hands through my side, tickling me gently.

\- Yeah?

\- Don’t pull out – I asked, posessed by the heat of the moment, feeling him inside me, being together after a break which felt like eternity.

\- I want to feel you come… - please – I begged as he considered. I was on the pill and I was careful not to skip, but we all know that accidents do happen.

\- I don’t know Em… – he replied, thorn between wanting to be cautious and exremely turned on by the idea of coming inside me.

\- I promise it will be okay – I smiled at him feverishly and slowly he started pounding into me again, harder and harder until he froze in place with loud moan, spine curving backwards and I could feel his hot load filling me up, then slowly crawling down my thigh as he released me and we laid down to come back to Earth again. He snuggled closer to me and took me in his arms, brushing the wet hair out of my face. He kissed me softly and caressed my face, my nose, my neck, not to arouse desire but to recall it. I took his hand and kissed it, interlacing our fingers before resting our hands between us, still linked togeher. I shuddered as a whiff of cool air licked my naked back and my wet locks, coming from outside.

\- Are you cold? – Jase asked, rubbing my back with his free hand.

\- A bit – I confessed, enjoying the warmth of his body.

\- Let’s hit the shower and warm you up – he suggested and I couldn’t agree more.


	20. Relationships Revisited

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, I got totally snowed under on every front - I'm not entirely happy with this chapter either, but it doesn't seem to be getting better :/

The following day

Waking up at Jason’s was… strange. Sweet, but a bit strange.

I was lying on my back, stretching carefully, still trying to get used to what little light got through the thick curtains when I felt Jason moving on my left. Shit, I just woke him up with my squirming. I quickly turned on my side to face him: he still had his eyes closed, but he grabbed my waist and pulled me closer to himself.

\- Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you – I whispered apologetically into his chest.

\- You didn’t, I’ve been in and out of sleep for a while now – I heard him rasping from above: he ran his hand up and down my back a few times slowly before he opened his eyes, as if he was afraid yesterday was all a dream. I glimpsed up at him and that signature smile was on his face as soon as we locked eyes. He had a certain mischievous glimmer in them, but also something soft and inviting. I grinned back at him like an idiot and that’s when the gravity of it hit me: we were officially together. Romantic-style.

\- Good morning – he said, still smiling as he kissed me softly, brushing my hair out of his face.

\- ’morning, Jase – I replied a tiny bit nervously when the kiss ended, enjoing the warmth of his closeness. I cuddled up to him even more, hiding my face in his curls. He could probably tell I didn’t find myself in this situation often because he just giggled and held me a bit tighter. We spent the morning like that, laying in bed and just quietly getting used to having each other so close. It was nice and cozy just to cuddle for a change, to snuggle close to each other with stolen kisses and gentle caresses, a few whispered words here and there… I quickly decided I could definitely get used to waking up next to Jason every day. It took me a while, but I felt completely safe and at ease with a guy other than James in a long time. I was about to relax even more when the chilling session was rudely interrupted by my stomach grumbling loudly.

\- I’m gonna go and make breakfast before you starve to death – Jason concluded chuckling lightly as he gathered the strengt to get out of bed, making his way towards the kitchen. I listened to him rumbling around for a few minutes before my conscience urged me to go and help him. I kicked down the covers and took a minute to check my reflection in Jason’s mirror as I passed it: my hair was a complete mess, all wavy and fuzzy from drying on its own. I was rocking a Led Zeppelin shirt at least 2 sizes larger than me which made me look much slimmer than I was, and I had no pants on. As for my face I looked… casual and thoroughly-fucked, there’s just no better word for it. Classy, Em, real classy.

\- So what’s on the menu, chef? – I asked as I settled down on one of the stools in the tiny kitchen, grabbing the cup of steaming coffe already poured for me, with a generous amount of milk in it. True, we never stayed overnight but we were practically living together on tour, so we all knew how the others liked their coffee by now.

\- We have – Jason started mocking a thick French accent, looking around while stirring whatever he had in his hands – Eggs and bacon, bread, butter, tomato and some cheese if you’re really hungry, but if you can survive another 20 mins the chef recomments the speciality of the house : pancakes á-la Newsted – he tipped the bowl toward me to show me the dough inside.

\- Hmmm, I could eat some pancakes. You got any syrup? – I licked my lips, smiling at how goofy he was.

\- Second shelf on the left – he cracked another egg and continued stirring. He didn’t let me help with anything („No Em, you’re a guest!”) so I just sat there and watched him work. Actually I was surprised to see how comfortable he was – James and the others could make fried eggs and barbecue without fucking it up but that pretty much summed up their culinary skills. Jason was a real pro compared to them, flipping pancakes and adjusting measurments as he continued building a decent-sized tower. Despite my stomach demanding food more and more often and louder, I waited for him to finish so we could eat together.

\- OK I’m done… tuck in – he grabbed 3 from the top and soaked his pancakes with syrup. I too took one and examined it before stealing the syrup: thick but light, just the right shade without being burned. I took my fork and cut down a bite.

\- Hmmmm, this is really good Jase! – it probably came out a bit muffled as I was still trying to chew the bite properly but I was totally shocked by the fact Jason could actually nail pancakes.

\- Eat up then before I finish the rest of them – he grinned at me, face full with half-chewed pancake.

\- I can’t believe you’d let me make pancakes for you guys when you can make better ones than me… is that vanilla I taste? – I took another, larger bite, enjoying the different scents and tastes unfolding.

\- Yeah, my Mom puts it into everything sweet. I hated it as a kid first but it’s kinda grew on me I guess.

\- I like it – I squeezed his free hand for a moment before turning my attention back to my plate, but I could also see the tips of Jason’s ears getting red from the corner of my eye.

A delicious pile of pancakes and a few satisfied grunts later we realized sadly that we also needed to take care of the pile of soiled bowls and other shit. After some convincing he allowed me to at least dry the dishes while he washed up. I was drying up the last plate, finishing the story I was telling him about how my dad almost set fire to the kitchen on my 8th birthday (it was his first attempt to bake a cake) when I felt his arms sneaking aroud my waist from behind, hugging me tightly, chin resting on the top of my head. I put the plate down before I dropped it and leaned into him, stroking his arms around me.

\- I love how short you are, it’s so cute – I heard, somewhat muffled as he didn’t lift his head while he spoke.

\- I’m not short! – I turned towards him quickly and smacked him with the cloth still in my hand, offended – I’m… fun-size! – it took me a moment to come up with a more bearable explanation. Judging by the half-dozen dimples on Jason's face it was not very plausible but I refused to be called short. 5'4 is average!

\- And I have sooo many ideas of how to have fun with you… - I felt his hands slip down and grab my ass as he kissed me and lifted me up to the countertop.

***

A bit later, when all kinds of hunger were taken care of we decided to check on my car. As I said, I left it a few blocks down the road when it gave up on me. I couldn’t say it came as a surprise: the thing had all kinds of strange habits, e. g. you could only turn the radio on if you hit the dashboard at the right place, and the clutch had to be pushed in a certain way to work but it had never let me down like yesterday. It just started coughing and when I pulled over and stopped it wouldn’t start again.

As I waited for Jase to close the front door I felt something wet landing on my back – I turned around surprisedly to see a bunch of kids giggling at me, with waterguns in hand.

\- Hey, stop it! I had enough water yesterday thank you! – I tried shooing them off but they kept shooting at me.

\- Just try and ignore them, that usually gets them to stop whatever they’re doing – Jason was clearly familiar with the horde and their freetime activities if his tired tone was any indication. Meanwhile my back was getting more and more wet, and the little fuckers clearly enjoyed themselves. I decided to put an end to the surprise raid. I marched over to them – I thought they will run but they stayed, just drew their little circle closer around the eldest boy – probably not older than 7 by the looks of him – who looked up at me expectantly with a cheeky grin on his freckled face.

\- Will you stop please? – I got my best death-glare on but I could tell he will not and he knew that I knew. He was just the type of kid that didn’t know when to stop, and he made it crystal-clear when he shot me in the chest, still grinning. Unfortunately for him, he also didn’t know that despite being almost 24, I could still be a little shit when I wanted to so I just smirked back at him before I took his gun with one quick pull and emptied the container on him with a few shots.

\- Game over, kiddo – and with that, I slammed the gun down and walked away from the kid, now properly soaked with a surprised face. His buddies just stared at me with huge grins on their faces, and Jason could hardly suppress his own giggles.

Luckily my ride survived the night with all wheels and windows intact. We popped the hood open and both took a look, tried every trick we knew but about an hour later, when we were sitting on the curb sweaty, tired and dirty we gave up and decided to call in a professional. The dude arrived not much later, but he bore no good news: after I described the symptoms to him, it took him about 30 mins to disassemble half my card and announce it was an engine problem which would cost much more to fix than buying a new car. So that’s how my little Champ went out, it died of an incurable heart failure.

\- Rust in peace, old lady! – Jase saluted as the tow-truck took it away forever. I knew it was stupid but I kinda felt heartbroken – I loved that car, even if it was a piece of crap as my boys called it, loudly and often. I had all kinds of memories with that piece of crap: the weekend we spent in the hills with my dad after I passed my nusrsing exam, that time we drove to an Aerosmith concert with James and he got so drunk I had to stop every 2 minutes to let him puke, endless makeout sessions on the backseat, the long and lonely drive from Downey to SF when I moved… I was going to miss the old lady a lot.

\- I’m sorry Em, I know you were close – I felt Jason’s hand on my shoulder, shaking me a little – C’mon, I’ll take you home.

***

\- Do you know what you gonna say to him? – I received a nervous glance as I was grabbing my things saved from the glove compartment and the trunk.

\- The truth, probably – I replied as I got out of Jason’s truck and shut the door.

\- Please be careful… getting sucker punched by James once was more than enough – he finished half-heartedly and I knew he was not joking. He was really concerned how James was gonna take the news.

\- Please, I trained him better than to do that again – I grinned at him smugly.

\- Don’t let him hear that! – he sushed me, gesticulating wildly to me to keep the volume down.

\- Jason, I am probably the only person in a 400-mile radius James listens to and you already witnessed my superpower to make him do things he really doesn’t want to. I think I can hande this – I said with total confidence in myself. I indeed had superpowers when it came to James, and we were friends. I got why Jason was jumpy about breaking the big news to James, but my connection with him ran deep enough for me to know he will come to terms with this new development, even if he didn’t like it at first.

\- „Master of Puppets I’m pulling your strings…” - I grimaced at him after kissing him goodbye through the window, lifting the shit in my hands to imitate the Puppetmaster as I started walking towards my front door. Jason just giggled and shook his head as he drowe away.

\- Honey, I’m home! – I shouted as I stepped in, just as usual.

\- About time! I was about to send a search party – came the swift reply from the living room. James was sitting on the couch watching TV, half turned backwards to look at me: even though I braided it, my hair was still a mess from drying on its own; I had a bag full of casettes and whatnot in my hand and there were oil and greasemarks all over my forearms that I couldn’t get off with soap.

\- Whoa, what happened to you? – he asked as I flopped down next to him tiredly, ditching the bag as I went.

\- My car finally died on me. I tried to save it but it had a fatal engine failure and the tow-truck dude said there was nothing to be done. So I had to say goodbye today – I said with a long face. I really missed that damn car.

\- That piece of junk was already on borrowed time if you ask me – James shook his head, blonde mane flying – I know you loved it, it is beyond me why but… I’m sorry for your loss, Princess – he patted my knee and I rested my hand on his for a moment. I saw no beer bottles or cans aroun which was a welcomed sight. It was one thing to get hammered on tour – it would have been unnatural if he didn’t – but James had a tendency to drink himself into a stupor off-stage as well which I really didn’t like.

\- Thanks Jamie – I smiled at him warmly and just sat there with his hand on my knee, palm upside, clapping our hands together like when we were kids.

\- Where were you? I was really getting worried about you, you know – I squinted at him and yeah, he seemed sincere. I wondered briefly how different blue eyes can be: Jason’s was deep but welcoming, while James had clear, sky-blue, piercing eyes which made him even more intimidating. It made his gaze seem cold and distant, and there were not too many people around who’d seen them warm up, or filled with concern as they were now.

\- Sorry baby, I didn’t wanna scare you– he was still a bit overprotective when it came to me, and I left in a hurry to go drive in a freakin’ epic pourdown. Of course I scared him, and I felt bad.

\- I was at Jason’s, I had to tell him something important – I risked another glance at James, smoothing the wrinkles on the front of my dress in a slow, repetitive way. He grimaced, confused. Showtime, Em.

\- What could be so important to make you leave in the middle of a fuckin’ thunderstorm? We’re leaving for Memphis in 3 days, you could’ve talked to him then, or just ca- - he choked on the last word and looked even more scared than before as he stared at my face, then on my belly under my now still hands, then on my face again. His eyes got even wider as his face reddened in an instant which in turn scared me.

\- You’re pregnant aren’t you?! Oooooh I’m gonna beat the shit out of that fucker….!!! – that shocked me so much that James was already up on his feet, cracking his knuckles by the time I regained my ability to move and I grabbed his arm and pulled him back down. The couch gave a loud squeak on impact.

\- Jamie, NO!, I’m not pregnant, dumbass... Jesus, will you just fuckin’ listen to me before you go on a rampage and crack any skulls? – his whole body relaxed as I said this, but deep inside I was wondering why was pregnancy his first thought about Jason and me talking important stuff. I guess we were not that subtle after all… whoops.

\- I had to see him because he asked me out a few weeks ago and I didn’t give him an aswer then. We’we been spending so much time together on the road, hooked up a few times but nothing serious have happened… until he asked me out and I couldn’t really handle it. He wants to date, like properly, to make it „official” – I imitated ditto with my hands – and you know how I feel about that… I asked for some time to think – I took a moment to gather my thoughts but James was not about to let me leave him with such a cliffhanger.

\- And?! – he asked, face still flushed from getting all riled up by the thought of Jason knocking me up.

\- And I was finally brave enough to tell him I want to try, there you go, you fuckin’ bully – my crossed arms and my pointed look did nothing to ease the tension that was practically tangible in the room by now. James stared at me with his signature I’m-gonna-eat-you-alive look he had but he learned that glare from me, so I just sat there staring back at him until he gave up.

\- So you and Jason… are together – his sigh was heavier than our top 10 NWOBHM favourites combined. He sat still on the edge of the couch, elbows resting on his legs, fingers intertwined in front of his face. He looked like a disapproving father that was kind of funny, given it was usually me who played this role.

\- Yeah - I nodded, scooping closer to him – Is this gonna be a problem? – I raised an eyebrow at him. He turned his head to give me a long, thoughtful look. I could tell he didn’t like the idea of me being with somebody but he also tried putting a good face on. It didn’t fit very well but at least he tried.

\- I admit I have nothing serious against him… only that he can be fuckin’ annoying hopping around with that dumb giggle – he rolled his eyes and I couldn’t keep a small chuckle in.

\- I know you like each other and he scared off that motherfucher when… you know, so that’s a damn huge good point in my book. So far I see no reason not to think he’s a good guy, but I can be wrong – he sighed again before looking me right in the eye.

\- If you really feel this is what you want, it’s fine with me… but I’m telling you, if he cheats on you or fucks you over I’m gonna take that gun from under my bed and…

\- Yeah, yeah, I know, you can give him the shovel talk in Memphis, Dad – I shut him off and leaned in to hug him. It was sweet how much he cared about me, even if it was fuckin’creepy sometimes.

\- You really thought I was pregnant? –I had to ask.

\- For a second.

\- It scared you shitless, huh?

\- Pretty much – he simply hummed as I snorted a laugh at that.

\- I know you just don’t want me to get hurt, but I have a feeling it will be OK with Jason. I need to start trusting people … we really click with Jase and I want to give it a chance – I explained.

\- Besides, he made me pancakes for breakfast today and what’s that if not the ultimate sign of true love? – I asked with my best fake- innocent look, grinning at him like a complete idiot.

James muttered something which definitely sounded like „fuckin’ gay” under his breath and I grinned wider.

**Author's Note:**

> [1] I imagine Emilia something like Inbar Lavi here:  
> https://hu.pinterest.com/pin/37225134406821230/  
> https://hu.pinterest.com/pin/348114246199872017/  
> [2] https://i.pinimg.com/564x/13/e8/41/13e841a5412712b469a288bef7a992c9.jpg  
> https://i.pinimg.com/564x/39/97/3f/39973fbbb6001cb748e33790107f4b6f.jpg


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